I've just about run out of things to write about. Nothing ever changes in my life, and I'm well aware that it's 99% my fault. I've been writing about the same stuff since day 1, and right now I'm more confused than I was when I started.
There are no certainties in my life anymore. I have no idea what the world will be like 10 years from now. I have a strong feeling that most of our lives will be fundamentally different than they are today. I'm not planning on being a pharmacist that far down the road. I have doubts about the long term success of the profession. If I could quit my job today, I would, but there's nothing else I can do. Actually, there's nothing else that I can do that will have any more of a certain future than pharmacy does. I feel like I'm sitting here counting down the final days until the end of the world. Nothing I do matters anymore.
I feel like I've been living in a dream world for 26 years, and I'm just now starting to wake up and see things for how they really are. Everything I've done and accomplished up to this point is meaningless. All I can do is sit back and watch to see how things play out.
And I know the kind of responses I'll get to this post:
"You could benefit from counseling."
"You need to find an activity or hobby to occupy yourself and meet new people."
"Mike, you're a whiny bitch. Grow some balls."
See... The problem is that I think you are all the crazy ones. I feel enlightened. I feel like I've figured out the meaning of life, and the meaning is that there is no fucking meaning. It's all one big evolutionary accident. We all think humans are so special, but a million years from now, we'll be long gone from this planet, and life will still be here. This human intelligence that supposedly makes us better and more advanced than every other living organism on this planet will eventually just end up being a misstep on the road of evolution. What started out looking like a survival advantage will instead bring about our demise, and life will favor simpler minded creatures who can live in harmony with the rest of the planet.
Then 4 billion years down the road when the sun begins to die out and becomes a red giant swallowing up our planet in the process, there will be no life on earth left. Then what did it all mean? What purpose did we serve? The universe is 15 billion years old and unimaginably large. Do you think our puny planet will even be missed?
You see, I whine about how I wish I could get back together with my ex. I talk about how I still love her and would do anything for her. That's only half true. I love what she represents. Our relationship represented a time in my life of youth, innocence, and hope. It was a time when I was blissfully ignorant about the real problems of the world. I was happy with her, and it wasn't necessarily because of her (although I did love her very much). It was mostly because the world still seemed OK to me. I was still living in that dream. I would love to be able to get back to that mindset I had 8 years ago, but it's not possible. Awareness can only be raised, never lowered. Once I woke up from that dream, there was no going back.
Now every day, I walk among people who are still stuck in that dream world. They're happy. They're hopeful. And their completely oblivious. I envy them. It's really the only thing I feel envious of in the world. I don't want 10 billion dollars. I don't care about fancy cars or nice things. I just want to be hopefully and innocent again.
This might be my last post. I make no guarantees of that. It'll depend on if I feel I have something else to say. This blog started out as a pharmacy blog, but it really never was about pharmacy. It was about me trying to work through my fucked up mind. Other bloggers write about pharmacy stuff much more effectively than I do, so I'll leave that to them.
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35 comments:
"End of the Line"-Traveling Wilburys
Always puts a smile on my face and a warmth in my heart. Maybe nothing we do will matter down the road but that does not mean you can't do things that will help/matter to someone right now!
Let's make a deal. If the Celtics lose against the Hawks, you can't blog anymore. If Celtics win, you have to keep blogging.
Like you, I am in a 6 yr program and this is my first year in pharmacy school. Unlike you, I struggle just to get B's when you easily got A's. Why do I read your blog? I don't know. Sometimes I feel I should have completed undergrad. Right now as I'm studying for finals, many of my friends are out chilling. I keep telling myself, "All this will pay off in the end." When I'm in my mid-20's I won't have to worry about paying my bills or funding my retirement.
Have you thought of quitting retail and doing a residency? Maybe taking a 6 month long vacation?
If you need to talk to someone I am here...we could IM or something. Sounds like you're depressed; I've been there. You can make fun of me for caring and say that I don't understand. But maybe I do.
yahoo IM: cowateni
your year worth of blogs that i read this week just made me realize that there people out there just like me
it's like you read my mind, mike. being an ex-blogger myself who felt like she was going in circles, i understand if you delete this blog (or just stop writing). if you do, know that i thoroughly enjoyed your blog. such honesty (in good writing) is hard to find.
Dude, I dropped my blog back in March after 4 years of writing. I just couldn't do it anymore; it was the same shit day after day and say and I found myself saying stuff I'd already said before.
Nothing is permanent and there is not god. The best thing you can do is put your big girl panties on (or big boy shorts, whatever) and fucking deal with shit.
That's it.
Manu,
I don't want to burst you or anyone else's bubble with my overwhelming negativity. However, did you happen to notice the rising price of oil? Do you realize that the price of a barrel of oil went from $12 to $120 in 10 years. That's not just inflation my friends. That's the peaking of global production.
In the last 10 years, the price jumped 1,000%. Hell, it has almost doubled since this time last year. They say only about 1/3 of the increase in price can be attributed to the fall in the value of the dollar. Most of the reason for the increase is supply and demand problems.
What will it do in the next 10 years? In 2018, are we looking at the cost of a barrel of oil in the $500 range? More? Will gasoline be $20 per gallon? Do you realize how imperative cheap oil is to the United States and developing countries. Cheap oil is what has fueled our seemingly limitless growth up to this point. Cheap oil is what allows the world to feed its 6 billion people. Did you happen to notice all that stuff about a world wide food shortage? Did you know that the basis of investing in the stock market is that the economy is always growing? Without cheap oil this is impossible.
How about suburban life? We all get in our cars and drive an average of 16 miles each way to get to work every day. Everything is so spread out. We go to grocery stores to get our food, but don't even realize that the food gets to those grocery stores in the trailers of big diesel chugging trucks. Truck drivers are already complaining about diesel fuel costs. It's only going to get worse. Make the price of gasoline high enough, and no company could afford to run those trucks all across the country. Then where will the food come from? I don't know about the rest of you, but there's not a big farm capable of feeding a large number of people anywhere near me.
Moreover, it takes gasoline and diesel fuel to run that farm equipment, not to mention oil is needed for pesticides and fertilizers. The farm land in the United States has been over planted for years, and the only way we can get a decent crop now is to load up the ground with fertilizer.
If you want to talk about alternative sources of energy, I advise you to do a little research. There are no alternatives to oil and fossil fuels. Every alternative actually comes from fossil fuels in that it takes a whole lot of fossil fuel to create them. Wind, solar, geothermal, etc. are nowhere near as efficient as fossil fuels. For example, if you combine the electicity output of every solar panel in the entire world, it equals something along the lines of 5 coal powered electricity plants.
Do you see what I mean when I say I feel like I'm waking up from a dream? Life as we have known it to this point has all been just that... a dream. It's been a dream fueled by the notion that energy will always be cheap and limitless. The only real question now is how long will the dream continue? How long will it be before the world's oil based economy starts falling apart? Can it last another 10 or 20 years? Or will it be much sooner? A major recession is coming, but will it be gentle, or will it come as a fast crash?
That's why I question whether pharmacy as we know it will even be around 20 years from now. What jobs will be around? What jobs will be important in a world where oil costs $500 per barrel or more?
No one wants to hear this though. Anyone who mentions this is thought of as being crazy. After all, there's no way civilization can regress, right? Technology can only get better, right? It's the American Dream. The land of hope and prosperity, the mightiest country in the history of the human race. We don't have to worry about anything, right?
Sadly, that's the attitude that prevails. Our collective will power and ingenuity won't get us out of this mess though.
Don't believe me? Just start reading about peak oil. Read the article from this site www.lifeaftertheoilcrash.net . Read the sources it links to. Do as much research as you can on it. Among experts, there aren't too many that disagree.
Lately, I've been having a lot of existential crises due to the stress of finals. I start think to myself, what's the point of doing all this work, what's the point of life if we're all just going to die in the end. None of this will matter because we are just going to die. But maybe life isn't meant to have a meaning..maybe it just is..
Anyway, I think I'm a nihilist at heart..such is life.
This may sound naive to the "enlightened," but you have to learn to accept that some things are out of your control and that worrying about it doesn't fix anything. Is sitting in anguish and misery going to magically fix the oil or food crisis? In the grand scheme of things, there are many worst global maladies beside the oil shortage... Darfur, disease, human suffering in general. There are people in undeveloped nations who don't give a crap about the price of oil if they could just live to see tomorrow. But there's not a whole lot you can do about it. So you can worry about it, but you shouldn't let it consume you the way it obviously has.
No...
There's nothing worse than the oil crisis. The lack of cheap oil will cause BILLIONS of people to die. BILLIONS. How's that for human suffering? It will cause MILLIONS of Americans to lose their jobs. It will most likely cause wide scale panic and rioting. There will be resource wars (some argue that they've already started).
People in underdeveloped nations are actually in the best position for withstanding the oil crisis in that they never really had oil to start with. Their way of life won't be affected anywhere near as much as someone living in the United States.
Yes, it is beyond my control, but it certainly is something I should be worrying about. It will directly affect me. I may not have a job in 10 years. I've put thousands in a 401k. If the stock market crashes, I lose it all. I can't go out and buy a house now because I have to worry if I'll have the money to pay off that mortgage. Moreover, any house I buy would have to be within walking distance of wherever I work because I'm not counting on having an effective means of long distance transportation.
There's no certainty anymore. Everything I've worked for, everything I've been led to believe over the course of my life is on the verge of collapsing. If that doesn't shake you to your core, then you simply cannot appreciate the enormity of the problem.
Do you have an email address?
Long time reader, first time commenting.
Just wanted to tell you I totally agree. I had a similar revelation about the world and society when I was 16-17. Unlike you, I’m not envious of other people. If I was like them, I wouldn’t be who I am or think the way I do. But I’ve always been, as you put it, on the outside looking in. I haven’t really known otherwise, or maybe I would be envious, too.
As for oil: that’s always been a huge issue of mine, ever since I saw the IMAX Kuwait film as a kid. It was just heartbreaking, not because of the damage to Kuwait’s economy, but because someone intentionally destroyed all that oil…
Anyway, I would always get the same responses when expressing my concerns to others: “They have been saying ‘we’re going to run out of oil’ for years, but we clearly haven’t, so it’s not going to happen” or “They’ll just invent something else to use for energy by the time that happens” or even “it’s just a excuse for oil companies to charge more for gas”. So for the past few years, I have been trying to train myself not to care. I couldn’t convince anyone else to; it seemed like a lost cause. But you’re completely right – EVERYTHING depends on oil. The light in this room, the food we eat, really any products that we buy. Anyone who thinks the world will then use ‘green’ sources is delusional. My fear is increased production and dependence on nuclear power, since that’s where they will turn next. Then we will all truly be screwed.
I’m actually all for increased gasoline prices. That’s the only way the public will conserve, the only way auto companies will put effort into development of vehicles with better efficiency (and for people to buy them), and for businesses not to waste as much energy as they do. But it’s too little, too late.
While I’m still on my soapbox, is anyone else extremely irritated by the amount of plastic pharmacies throw away every day? Especially with triazolam rx’s: the manufacturer my pharmacy uses packages them in 10’s, so I have to throw out around 6 bottles every time I fill a script. Just me? Ok.
I hope you decide to continue blogging, I like reading your ramblings. But it’s your blog, so do what you have to do.
Its eerie that someone else has the same thought process as myself. I have very slowly come to the realization that you have to enjoy your life while you can. If the human race is just a blip on the radar and the world economy is headed for a major collapse, its all the more reason to appreciate what you have, or could have right now. Do whatever it is that makes you happy, within reason of course. Its a lot easier said than done, but you have to try because you only get one chance....unless you practice Hinduism ;)
Mike
Hate to see you go, I enjoyed your blog, both pharmacy and your personal stuff. Do what you need to do. Pharmacy Girl seems right. you do sound depressed, but its your life, live it as you choose.
I am not a psychiatrist and I don't play one on tv, but blogging has helped me a lot.
Take care--
Well I guess you've accepted your fate, then. Time to curl into the fetal position and wait for death.
The world needs people like you pharmacy mike, with great intelligence and great empathy.
I work as an environmental scientist and have worked on some of these issues and yep, there’s change ahead. It’s pretty common for people to become temporarily enraged and paralysed when they think about the possibilities. But for a lot of people it’s too tiring or too confronting and they’d rather go back to normal. But it’s not true that there is greater uncertainty ahead that there has been in recent history. My grandparents were in Europe in WW2 and survived and emigrated across the world, but to the time they died ~10 years ago they played piano in the dark (learned to play during air raids) and hoarded soap (because there wasn’t enough during the war). That’s not long ago at all. I’m in my mid-20s also and I think we’ve just had a charmed life so far to assume that things will stay all nice and sweet and the worst thing we have to think about is the size of our mortgage or whether we have the coolest social life.
I think pharmacy will continue to be an important and needed profession. That’s why international aid agencies like doctors without borders have pharmacists. I started reading your blog a few weeks ago because I’ve been thinking about doing a post-grad pharmacy course (not in US). Part of my thinking was that I could have small, tangible victories by helping individual people with their health. That’s pretty idealistic but it seems like an important job to me.
Anyway I buy from local businesses where I can, don’t drive my car when I could walk, ride my bike or take the train, I have a bit of yard so I keep learning about growing and cooking my own food, etc etc. While I can’t individually stop a war elsewhere in the world, I’m a bit less reliant on oil and bit more mentally prepared for possible future hard times than a lot of other people our age and even older.
At least you have the luxury of thinking about deep philosophical stuff and being concerned about world issues. Most people in the world are worried about getting food and/or surviving from day to day. Consider yourself lucky.
Mike, if you're interested in an opposing viewpoint, there is an article in the Wall Street Journal from March 4, "The World Has Plenty of Oil", by Nansen G. Saleri. It is at wsj.com, just put saleri in the search box.
That article by Saleri makes some HUGE assumptions that so far are not holding true.
First, he states that future drilling technologies will allow more oil to be pumped from existing wells than presently possible. This assumes incredible new technology on the horizon. However, if you actually read stuff from drilling experts, nothing that earth shattering is due to come out within the next 10 years, which is the time frame when we'll really need it.
Secondly, the article states that higher oil prices will give oil companies an incentive to ramp up production, put more money into exploration, and look into tapping unconventional sources (like shale oil and oil sands). Well, the price of oil has doubled in 2 years, but global oil production has remained around 86 million barrels per day for several years now. In fact, global oil production has actually slightly declined in the last 2 years, despite higher prices.
The economic principle that higher oil prices will encourgae greater production give way to the simpler economic principle of supply and demand. In this case, the supply of oil is decreasing, and the demand is increasing. This is causing prices to skyrocket. The only problem is that oil supply is fixed. You can't go and create more oil. There's a finite amount of the stuff in the ground.
At this point, we've gotten most of the easy oil. The oil that's left is more expensive to reach and much more energy intensive. This brings me to another point. There's mountains of oil in the Northwestern United States in the form of shale oil. However, it's extremely difficult to get it out of the ground, and at this point, it takes nearly a barrel of oil to actually produce a barrel of oil from shale oil. If it takes as much energy to get it as we'll get in return, then there's no benefit in drilling for it.
The article states that Saudi Arabia is the model for getting more oil from its oil fields than any other country. Saleri states that the Saudis are getting 2 out of every 3 barrels of oil that are in the great Ghawar field. If this were the case, then why has oil production in Saudi Arabia fallen for 3 years in a row (even despite rising oil prices)? In addition, why have OPEC countries been having so much trouble increasing their production when OPEC asks them to?
Moreover, oil companies have record high profit margins with these high oil prices. Must be a conspiracy, right? What's actually happening is that instead of taking those profits and reinvesting them in the prospects of future oil, they're just pocketing them. In the past, the best investment an oil company could make was to invest in finding more oil. In the past, oil discoveries paid for themselves and many times over. Now, oil companies aren't seeing that same return on their investment in future oil. In fact, many of the newer small oil fields aren't paying for their research and development. In a world of dwindling oil, putting money into future oil is a bad investment. It's like investing in a stock that is sure to go down.
I can write all day about this stuff, and I openly encourage all opposing viewpoints. I've been reading every thing I can find from both sides, but it always seems to be the same story. The more well informed and better researched articles tend to be from the camp that believes peak oil is imminent (if not already in the past). The more optimistic articles rely on the past to dictate what the future will hold. They say things like: "Everyone thought the same thing back in the 1970s, but oil production doubled since then. This will be no different." Or, they say, "future technologies and rising oil prices will allow us to extract and find more oil." These arguments aren't based on statistics. They're based on hope. (Not to mention they're usually written by someone with some association to Big Oil. For example, Nansen Saleri, who wrote that Wall Street Journal article, is the President and CEO of a Quantum Reservoir Impact, a company that bases their business on managing oil reservoirs more efficienty. He was formely the head of reservoir management for Saudi Aramco, Saudi Arabia's national oil company. He's hardly an unbiased observer.
Once again though... I welcome all these articles and opposing viewpoints. I want to read as much as possible.
If you decide to stop writing I for one will definitely be sorry to see you go.
I too have doubts about the future of pharmacy. When I see initiatives such as "tech check tech" making headway I wonder how far away the retail pharmacist is away from extinction.
All that is required is for a group of lawmakers and chain lobbyists to write that a certified tech is qualified to run the dispensing aspect of the pharmacy and the chains will drop us like hot potatoes. I will not be filling scripts for 25 grand a year and the rest of the residency PharmDs will be scrambling to fill the few MTM positions available.
I hate to say the end is nigh but sometimes professionally it feels that way. Good luck in all your endeavors.
Pharmacy Mike,
I stumbled upon your blog thru the pharmacy chicks blog. I am a tech and find reading all of your blogs hilarious and it reminds me when I have a bad day at work that I am not alone. After reading your comments, I have to say that I do think you sound depressed and anxious. I have been there myself, so I thought I would post a couple of things I thought might help you (and I never comment on blogs).
1. Go to your local Barnes and Noble bookseller or what have you and pick up a copy of From Panic to Power by Lucinda Bassett. I think it offers a lot of insight, puts things in perspective and just might help.
2. Remember,
"Are not five sparrows sold for two pennies? Yet not one of them is forgotten by God. Indeed, the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Don't be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows"
Luke 12:6,7
And remember the lillies of the field? God takes care of them, and He will take care of you too. I really think you probably have a lot of things to be thankful for. Why not try listing them all and see what you come up with?
Good luck.
You're right, humans are an evolutionary accident and through the explotation of the world's resources we humans have managed to increase our numbers to gigantic proportions. Before the neolithic revolution there were about 500 million people around the world, now there are 6 billion. Mike, if the worst case comes true many people may die, but perhaps it's just restoring the natural order of things.
If you are so concerned about food sources, try becoming more self-sufficent. My husband and I grow much of our own food in a garden plot (canning for winters) and he hunts for meat, moose, caribou, bear, etc. We live in Fairbanks, AK (a 3 month growing season), if we can do it you can. The same applies to energy usage. In AK it is not uncommon to live without water and electricity, by choice and by economics. Move somewhere where you can accomplish your goals. It is very empowering to be able to really provide for your own and your family.
Just because the rest of the country/world is unprepared doesn't mean that you have to be. If everything comes crashing down those who can take care of and provide for themselves (minus cars, oil, supermarkets, contracters, electricity, etc.) will make it. Honestly, people in third world countries have a better chance, many of them have skills that extend beyond the office place.
Mike, what kind of vehicle do you have or do you have one?
It's something about being 26, Mike. I turned last week and it feels like my life has gone to crap. I know what you're going thru. I want to hide in bed all day.
Jane.
"... the meaning is that there is no fucking meaning."
Welcome to the "enlightenment". A psychologist friend of mine once told me that suicide rates increase as the person's IQ increase - the smart people have figured it out. Everyone else goes about their lives like rats in a cage, and are oblivious to our insignificance in the universe.
"...life isn't meant to have a meaning .. maybe it just is.." That is a great statement.
One day we'll wake up, and realize that we are old and gray (if we make it that far) and our lives are over, and we haven't done anything of consequence.
Don't stop blogging - you are a voice of reason in an unreasonable world and make my days sitting inside a retail pharmacy (a TRULY meaningless and joyless existence) pass by a little faster.
I drive a 4-cylinder Acura. It gets decent gas mileage (30mpg highway). I live 2 miles away from work, so I can go 2 weeks or more between fill-ups. I try not to make pointless trips, and I've vowed to go no more than 65 mph on the highway.
Knowing what I know now, I probably would have bought a different car. It makes absolutely no financial sense for me to get a more fuel efficient car now. I'll probably drive this car until the wheels fall off, or until gas is too expensive for anyone to drive.
Even without a car, I could conceivably do OK. On warm days, I'm within walking distance from work. There also is a bus that runs from my apartment complex to the store, but I'm not sure what time the bus stops. Moreover, it still is cheaper to just drive to work every day than it would be to pay the bus fare.
About smarter people having higher suicide rates.... I've often thought that there would probably be some sort of correlation. It makes sense. Smarter people are too aware for their own good. They make connections and develop understandings that an average person cannot, and some of those understandings aren't exactly happy thoughts.
Oh well...
Man, this is all heavy stuff. What is the point in wallowing in all this oil stuff? People made it before oil was so widely used and probably life was as good if not better. No, not easier, but maybe more fulfilling. If there was no oil, either something else comes up or it doesn't. Oil is not my God. It makes things easier, warmer, etc... but if it dried up I guess I would hunker down and deal with it. Walk, ride a horse, bike, whatever. Gather round the fire with family and friends. Dig up the yard, plant something. Hell, the air would be better. Environment might make a turn around. If pharmacy goes away, I'd do something else. Dig ditches, make furniture, whatever. Pharmacy doesn't define me, it helps pay the bills, feed the family etc... But I would adjust as millions of others have when their jobs vanished. That's not new, that's life. Survival of the fittest would mean something again maybe. You know, this all reminds me of those customers we get where they have done some reading about drugs/diseases and they want to debate with you about side effects and such and they consider themselves experts. They self diagnose and so on and you can't tell them a thing. A little knowledge is a dangerous thing. No one has a crystal ball, all the answers, or a surefire idea of what tomorrow holds. You need to put the "sky is falling" books away and go volunteer your time somewhere and see what real day to day problems are. Having your education, earning power and opportunities available to few others around you and to wallow in self pity is shameful.
Mike, I'm over 50 and realize now there are few things over which I have control. Actually, I'm content with that. As a Christian, I realize that God is in control of my life. I realize that sounds very simplistic, and, yes it is. Do the events of the day concern me? Yes. Am I concerned about Pharmacy's future? Yes. Do I let these things consume me? No. I try to do what I can to make my little part of the world a better place to live, at the same time trusting God to give me wisdom.
Blog or don't blog...it's up to you. If it makes you happy, do it..if not, don't. I do hope you get past what appears to border on a sense of hopelessness....I hope I'm wrong.
Dude, I'm gonna be kinda harsh right now, not cuz I'm trying to be mean but cuz you need to hear it. First of all, I am exactly like you. Everything you said is how I've been feeling for a long time. I'm in my 3rd year of pharmacy school right now, however, it's my "second" career since I'm also an engineer. I worked for a while before switching to pharmacy. So you could say I made the same realizations then that you're making now. I am also in my upper 20s. The difference between me and you? I have a chronic disease since middle school, which also means I've been depressed since then. It required me to radically change my lifestyle just to deal with it. The last time I remember being happy is during my childhood, when I wasn't sick. As if going through school isn't hard enough, but I feel physically and mentally crappy 24/7, which makes everything difficult for me. So here's the good news, you have your health. Pull yourself together and fix whatever it is you need to fix in your life, because you CAN. Remember, health is wealth.
I have to agree with the brother right above me, if you got anything valuable out of pharmacy school it should have been that being in 100% health is the best thing in the world and if you never have to take a pill for the rest of your life you should be the happiest person in the world.
Just a question, how many of your friends would you invite to your wedding? Just those three friends that you talked about in the earlier posts? I am thinking yes since you probably don't consider those other people friends anymore.
I'll never get married, so there's no point in thinking about it.
whoa dude you are really depressed bro, i know exactly how you feel
Here's what I think about when I'm feeling blue:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1loyjm4SOa0
Hang in there bro.
You write a great blog and I can relate after 17 years in the business.
Cheers to you!
Dude you have 26 years in, probably making more than 100 G's. Hang up the white coat, and do what you want. Travel the US, travel to other countries, whatever. Life is too short. Then you could blog for us about your adventures. Bob
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