I've just about run out of things to write about. Nothing ever changes in my life, and I'm well aware that it's 99% my fault. I've been writing about the same stuff since day 1, and right now I'm more confused than I was when I started.
There are no certainties in my life anymore. I have no idea what the world will be like 10 years from now. I have a strong feeling that most of our lives will be fundamentally different than they are today. I'm not planning on being a pharmacist that far down the road. I have doubts about the long term success of the profession. If I could quit my job today, I would, but there's nothing else I can do. Actually, there's nothing else that I can do that will have any more of a certain future than pharmacy does. I feel like I'm sitting here counting down the final days until the end of the world. Nothing I do matters anymore.
I feel like I've been living in a dream world for 26 years, and I'm just now starting to wake up and see things for how they really are. Everything I've done and accomplished up to this point is meaningless. All I can do is sit back and watch to see how things play out.
And I know the kind of responses I'll get to this post:
"You could benefit from counseling."
"You need to find an activity or hobby to occupy yourself and meet new people."
"Mike, you're a whiny bitch. Grow some balls."
See... The problem is that I think you are all the crazy ones. I feel enlightened. I feel like I've figured out the meaning of life, and the meaning is that there is no fucking meaning. It's all one big evolutionary accident. We all think humans are so special, but a million years from now, we'll be long gone from this planet, and life will still be here. This human intelligence that supposedly makes us better and more advanced than every other living organism on this planet will eventually just end up being a misstep on the road of evolution. What started out looking like a survival advantage will instead bring about our demise, and life will favor simpler minded creatures who can live in harmony with the rest of the planet.
Then 4 billion years down the road when the sun begins to die out and becomes a red giant swallowing up our planet in the process, there will be no life on earth left. Then what did it all mean? What purpose did we serve? The universe is 15 billion years old and unimaginably large. Do you think our puny planet will even be missed?
You see, I whine about how I wish I could get back together with my ex. I talk about how I still love her and would do anything for her. That's only half true. I love what she represents. Our relationship represented a time in my life of youth, innocence, and hope. It was a time when I was blissfully ignorant about the real problems of the world. I was happy with her, and it wasn't necessarily because of her (although I did love her very much). It was mostly because the world still seemed OK to me. I was still living in that dream. I would love to be able to get back to that mindset I had 8 years ago, but it's not possible. Awareness can only be raised, never lowered. Once I woke up from that dream, there was no going back.
Now every day, I walk among people who are still stuck in that dream world. They're happy. They're hopeful. And their completely oblivious. I envy them. It's really the only thing I feel envious of in the world. I don't want 10 billion dollars. I don't care about fancy cars or nice things. I just want to be hopefully and innocent again.
This might be my last post. I make no guarantees of that. It'll depend on if I feel I have something else to say. This blog started out as a pharmacy blog, but it really never was about pharmacy. It was about me trying to work through my fucked up mind. Other bloggers write about pharmacy stuff much more effectively than I do, so I'll leave that to them.