Tuesday, December 1, 2009

I Need Advice

I mentioned a couple posts ago that I have been talking to a really nice girl. I've now hung out with her on 3 separate occasions. They weren't dates. The last couple of times, she invited me to go out with her and a friend. We had fun both times.

I really like this girl... a lot. We talk often online. The last couple of nights we were up past 1:00 AM talking. I get along with her really well. She's a sweet girl, and we share a lot of interests.

Basically, I want to know what should be my next move? I'm starting to feel like if we keep talking like this without anything more coming out of it, she might get either annoyed or disinterested. I don't want that to happen. I want to ask her out on an actual date. I've been trying to work up the courage for the past 3 weeks. I just don't know how to do it. I don't want to come on too strongly, but at the same time, I know that I have to at least make some kind of move.

I'm not smooth. I'm not the most charming guy in the world. I don't know how to be all cool about things like this. However, I am good at being honest. I was thinking that the next time I talk to her, I should just lay it out there and see what happens. Something like this...

"I'm not smooth, so I don't really know a better way of asking. I just think you're a really nice girl, and I like talking to you a lot. I was hoping we could go out some time for dinner and maybe some drinks."

Something along those lines... It sounded better in my head than it came out on the screen. Some people have told me the best thing is to casually ask her if she'd like to join me going to something I was already supposed to be going to. For example, if I was planning on getting drinks on Saturday, ask if she wanted to come along. That's a good idea, except I don't have stuff like that going on unless someone asks me first. If I haven't hammered this home already, I don't have the most eventful life.

I'm not good at dealing with all this signal reading. I just think it always works best for me to be open and honest. Let her know that I like her. Let her know I'd like to go on a date with her. Just be sincere and honest.

So, I think that's going to be my game plan. The next question is when should I do it? I've spent several hours talking to her online the last couple of days. The day before that, we spent the day text messaging each other back and forth. We've never really talked on the phone, so it feels a little weird just calling her out of the blue to ask her.

Should I though? Would it be best to call her? Should I wait a couple days to give her a little space? We've done a lot of talking recently. I don't want to become annoying. Should I just wait until the next time I get a chance to talk to her online, or would it be better to act quickly?

I want opinions here... preferably female opinions. I'm at the point right now where I'll actually listen to advice from random strangers over the internet. I swear, if a number of people comment telling me to call her now, I'll call her within the next 5 minutes. I don't want to screw this up. I don't want this to be like all those other times when I do nothing and let the girl get away. I like this girl too much.

Advice would be greatly appreciated.


oddharmonic said...

In your shoes, I'd probably just say, "I'd like to have dinner and drinks with you. How does next Saturday sound?". I think giving some kind of timeframe makes it more concrete and less "well, I'd like to sometime...".

(I don't have a lot of dating experience, but that's how I set up dinner dates with my friends. I am married, but even that was very low-key.)

Anonymous said...

You talk and have fun with her, but do you flirt? If you keep talking and stuff, you'll just be "friends." o god. I hope that doesn't happen, but it sounds like it's going down that route if you don't do something. I think all you have to do is keep talking with her except throw some flirting in there. asking her out is good, but yeah you should be a little smooth about it. Maybe she wants to see a movie, or you could bring up the subject of movies so she can talk about a movie she wants to see, then ask her to go see it with you "as a date." ask it fast. don't hesitate. if she doesn't say yes, insist she go with you and then if she doesn't like the movie afterward you'll take her out to a dinner as compensation. that's it. if not, then you'll just be a friend. just an example here.

simmy said...

I am an actual lady pharmacist, married to an actual nerd I met on the internet. I like oddharmonic's script, but might add "I've really enjoyed spending time with you lately" or something like that at the beginning

A version including the phrase "take you out for dinner" makes it clear that YOU are taking HER out, and that you expect her to say yes or no to this whole dating idea.

Jen said...

agreed with the above comments! I'm super stoked for you and this girl and I hope she says yes.

reading your blog gives me hope. I'm a female pharmacy intern and haven't yet found "the one." the way you write and think reminds me so strongly of myself that it's nice to see someone else out there like me finding happiness. you have my best wishes and I hope your date goes fantastically!

Pharmacy Mike said...

Don't jump the gun, lol. I still have to muster up the intestinal fortitude to go through with it.

Things would be so much easier if I could just find a girl I like who will ask me out, lol. I'm not good at stepping up and being "the man."

Anonymous said...

With many years beyond the courtship, what I recall is that I liked to go places with my boyfriend (future husband, unbeknownst to me)-- get together to do things after work or class, like bike rides, or for discussions over endless cups of coffee at a diner, or to visit friends, go to some school or church-related activity (like a volunteer to serve Thanksgiving meal to the homeless, whatever), or take nature photos at the state park, or... for a walk to the local graveyard at midnight. When in the first meeting stage, it's a little nerve-wracking to have to come up with conversational topics if there isn't something else going on to take up dead silence and .

Anonymous said...

I'm not a female but I've been in enough situations like this to recognize the patterns. The fact that she asked you to come with her and her friend, more than once actually, is very good. That should only encourage you to ask her out. My girlfriend did that to me when we first met (I thought she was trying to set me up with her friend...I was very wrong).

Don't tell her you like her, show her with your actions. Invite her out for drinks, and most importantly, make it clear to her it is just the two of you. She'll know what that means.

Some might say it's not a good idea to ask for a date online or over email. In your case it seems to be the primary means you two have been using to talk so it would be the most natural (plus it takes the stress off of having to talk over the phone or in person). If she likes you it doesn't matter how you do it.

PharmerGirl said...

Don't let he slip away. Call her don't email her. She sounds like she really likes you too and is waiting for you to ask her out. Don't make it too casual with words of getting together sometime.
Have a time and a plan and call her. Life outside of pharmayc is so much more fun!

Tahoe Tech said...

First off, I'm female. My suggestion is that you ask if you can take her to breakfast or lunch (schedules permitting of course). If those times aren't workable, then ask about taking her out for a drink (not dinner). My logic is that if it does become awkward, there is an automatic "out" because of the need to do other things after your meeting. Also, let her know that you would like to "take her out" (ie: that you are considering a "date") but be open if she would prefer to meet you at the agreed location. Again, that way if things aren't going the way you or she hopes, there is no awkward drive back together.
And yes, ABSOLUTELY, you should make the call. Texting? IM'ing? Email? No, those are forums are far too ambigous. An actual conversation (phone or in person) is much better as it will hopefully leave less doubt in your mind regarding her enthusiasm. I don't know if my advice will help or hurt, it's just what I know has impressed me in the past. Good luck and keep us posted!

MainePharmTech said...

As a female as well, I can tell you that she already likes you. No one sits around talking to guys until 1 am that they aren't interested in. You are right though; if she's such a great girl, she probably doesn't stay single for long. Honestly, girls don't like the run around. Just ask her straight out. It's not like you're asking her to be your girlfriend...yet.

Anonymous said...

Some good advice posted already. I agree, act now, or 1) she might get wrong message or 2) you will go crazy thinking about it. I don't see a real problem texting or IM'ing her, again since this is your primary mode of communication, it allows you to both choose your words carefully. Let us know how things turn out!!

Meghan said...

Please don't say "I'm not so smooth, etc." If you have been talking as much as you say you have, she knows quite a bit about you. She knows you are not a ladies man so to say. Tell her, something along the lines of, "I would like to take you to dinner, are you free Friday or Saturday?" (or some other day if you know she is busy). I know you are not confident, but at least display some confidence (it's very attractive).

Erin said...

I totally agree with Meghan who advises you to not preface your invitation with the "I'm not smooth" disclaimer. Women like men with confidence, and that SCREAMS lack of confidence. Don't be someone you aren't, but at the same time, don't announce things either.
Everyone is right: strike while that iron is hot, baby!
I am not against using text or IM, if it makes it easier for you the first time. But make sure that you are clear that you intend the outing to be a date, not a time for the friend to tag along. Just say, or text, some thing like "I'd love to have dinner (or whatever) with you this Friday, my treat. Are you free?"
A caveat: if she mentions the friend in her response, she may not be interested. But from what you've said, I think she is. Go for it!

Anonymous said...

I am a female who is married to an extremely nerdly electrical engineer. We talked on IM (often till way to late) and hung out in groups quite a bit before we started dating. When he asked me out for the first time it was after we were both at a party and he called me and said, "So I think we should go out or something." It was the first time he had ever called me and I hung up and remember thinking how did he get my phone number, but I still agreed to go out with him because I was interested. The point of the story is he was not smooth nor has he been smoothest operator through our dating/marriage but in the end it worked out for us because he took the initiative and was honest. So I guess my advice is to call her and be yourself. (Although figuring out what to say before you pick up the phone is probably a good idea). After all it already seems like she does like you, or she would not have spent this much time with you. I wish you luck my friend.