Do you ever have those times when something happens in your life, and you just feel like you need to talk to someone about it to try and make some sense of it? That's how I feel right now, but of course in my never-ending solitude, I have no one to talk to. I don't really want to write here what it's all about. I just wanted to talk through this feeling.
It's frustrating, and it eats at you. It's not even like it's this life changing thing that just happened, but it's something that made me think differently about a lot of things that happened over the last few years. It won't affect my future, but it changed my perception of the past, and I just feel like I need to talk it out. I'm not sad. I'm not angry. I'm not happy. It's just this anxious, frustrated feeling.
Actually... it feels a lot like embarrassment. My face is flushed, and my heart is beating quicker. I feel very warm and uncomfortable. Maybe it is embarrassment. Embarrassment over needing a friend and having no one to turn to.
That's the thing that scares me about my life. That's the thing I struggle with. Granted, I don't like being single, but it's not too bad. I can manage it. It's the lack of companionship of any kind that really bothers me. I have friends now, but I'm not close enough to them to talk about a lot of things. What's really kind of sad is that the person who knows the most about me and whom I'm able to talk to about most things is someone who lives 3,000 miles away, and we've never met face to face.
This is the tightrope I walk on: I can be myself, be emotional, optimistic, and willing to face the future head on. However, when I open up that emotional, sensitive, caring part of myself, I realize my solitude much too often. The other option is that I just shut down my emotions, go numb inside, and basically never let anything affect me. That helps me deal with the rigors of going through life every day, but it prevents me from ever making new connections.
Right now... I've made a committment to myself that I'll do my best to not go emotionally numb anymore. I need to feel. I need to be open to caring. Yes, it might hurt at times, but life hurts sometimes. If I block everything out, I may avoid the pain, but I'll also avoid happiness and fun and excitement... and all the things that make life worth living.
But unfortunately, right now, I'm feeling frustration and anxiety. These are the hard parts...
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4 comments:
I learned in my late 20's that in order to truly live, I had to start embracing (I hate using that word, it's so 'Oprah') EVERY emotion I had, not just the nice ones...and that meant I'd have to feel pain when it came along.
Now I'm in my late 30's, and I'm really, truly happy. Instead of running from pain, I hug it tight and make myself feel it - and, just as importantly, deal with it.
I've found it's a much better way of living. I hope that you do too.
First of all, I've been exactly where you are right now. Second year of college at Arizona, flipped degrees 3x, every girl I dated was a complete and utter bust, and the one I should have succeeded with back then I destroyed any chance with on my own will. Flunked Calc II. All alone in AZ, on my parents $$$, nothing to do but workout and sit in the music shop playing Madden. Stopped taking DHEA and hormone levels fell a bit.
What you need to do is find a sport you can crush, and get into it. For me it's been paintball and Gold's Gym. I get on these euphoric rushes where my endogenous opioids are maxed. If you can't find a girl that's a winner, don't worry. But you have to play the percentages. From my limited experience, it's about 1/50 every time you date someone. That's the percentage chance of finding a winner. True love is like 1/250 and a perfect girl is about 1/1,000,000. I of course have a perfect girl.
recent comment is mine, btw.
Alan @ Genentech.
San Diego
Gotta hand it to you, Mike, this DIY CBT is probably cathartic and a good way to examine conscience, and like the sticker on my co-worker's locker; someday you'll look back on this and laugh your a** off. (Or, at least be able to give yourself some kudos and leeway for working through this self-revelatory process.) 'It's all good.'
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