Do you ever have those times when something happens in your life, and you just feel like you need to talk to someone about it to try and make some sense of it? That's how I feel right now, but of course in my never-ending solitude, I have no one to talk to. I don't really want to write here what it's all about. I just wanted to talk through this feeling.
It's frustrating, and it eats at you. It's not even like it's this life changing thing that just happened, but it's something that made me think differently about a lot of things that happened over the last few years. It won't affect my future, but it changed my perception of the past, and I just feel like I need to talk it out. I'm not sad. I'm not angry. I'm not happy. It's just this anxious, frustrated feeling.
Actually... it feels a lot like embarrassment. My face is flushed, and my heart is beating quicker. I feel very warm and uncomfortable. Maybe it is embarrassment. Embarrassment over needing a friend and having no one to turn to.
That's the thing that scares me about my life. That's the thing I struggle with. Granted, I don't like being single, but it's not too bad. I can manage it. It's the lack of companionship of any kind that really bothers me. I have friends now, but I'm not close enough to them to talk about a lot of things. What's really kind of sad is that the person who knows the most about me and whom I'm able to talk to about most things is someone who lives 3,000 miles away, and we've never met face to face.
This is the tightrope I walk on: I can be myself, be emotional, optimistic, and willing to face the future head on. However, when I open up that emotional, sensitive, caring part of myself, I realize my solitude much too often. The other option is that I just shut down my emotions, go numb inside, and basically never let anything affect me. That helps me deal with the rigors of going through life every day, but it prevents me from ever making new connections.
Right now... I've made a committment to myself that I'll do my best to not go emotionally numb anymore. I need to feel. I need to be open to caring. Yes, it might hurt at times, but life hurts sometimes. If I block everything out, I may avoid the pain, but I'll also avoid happiness and fun and excitement... and all the things that make life worth living.
But unfortunately, right now, I'm feeling frustration and anxiety. These are the hard parts...