I think 30 years from now when I look back on my life, I'll point out 2008 as a major turning point for me. I have no idea where my life is going from here on out, but I do know that it will be in an entirely different direction than the one I was going when I started this year.
Let me recap my year:
- In January and February, I attempted to date eHarmony girl. It was my first serious attempt at dating someone since I broke up with my ex. Nothing much came out of this attempt, but it was an attempt nevertheless. Of course, the main reason why nothing came out of the attempt was because I was still in love with my ex-girlfriend. I was merely trying to date eHarmony girl as a way to force myself to get over her. It didn't work.
- After the whole eHarmony girl thing fell through, I spiraled into a depression of sorts. I was still convinced I was madly in love with my ex, and I still thought that some way, some how, we'd end up together. In other words... After being broken up for more than 2 years, I was completely delusional.
- It all hit rock bottom in May. At that point, I completely miserable. I had stopped exercising. My diet was filled with fatty foods. The combination of not exercising and eating like crap made me gain weight. I was absolutely sucking at basketball because I was so out of shape. In addition, I became convinced the world as we know it would soon end. All these things added up to me hating my life, hating my job, and hating everything and everyone.
- May marked the true turning point of the year (and possibly my life). That was when I hung out with my ex for the first time in over a year. It was then that I realized that I no longer needed her in my life. It made me realize that I had wasted 2 years of my life pining over someone that no longer existed. I was ready to put the past behind me... FINALLY!
- The rest of the year has been spent trying to figure out who I really am. What do I really want out of life? After spending so long regretting a failed relationship, did it ever dawn on me that perhaps I never really wanted a relationship in the first place?
Everyone needs to experience a serious relationship at least once in their lives. Most people make it their life long goal to find a significant other and start a family. However, some people just aren't wired in that way. I thought I was. I was headed on that track. I thought I was happy with it, but if I was happy, why did I let my relationship end? I had so many opportunities to straighten things out and get back together with her. She basically asked me on several occasions if I wanted to get back together, and I shot her down. If she was the most important thing in my life, then why did I keep turning her away?
The more I think about it, it becomes clearer and clearer to me that I'm just not a relationship kind of person... and I mean relationships of any kind. I'm only marginally interested in my family. I don't really care to have a lot of friends. I need a lot of time to myself. I like waking up alone, and I like going to sleep alone. I like not having to run it by someone if I want to go buy something for myself. I like having complete control over everything in my apartment.
That's not to say that I always like being alone. Yes, sometimes I get really bored, and sometimes I wish I had someone to talk to. That's really all I desire out of other people though. I don't really want to share in anyone else's hopes and dreams. I don't want to live with someone. I don't really have much of a desire to have a family. I just want to be able to occasionally talk to someone and hang out. Maybe that's selfish on my part. I guess I don't really care. It's just the way I am.
That's where I am right now. I'm just happy being single. I've gotten into a real exercise routine (weight lifting, cardio, etc.), and I've significantly cleaned up my diet. My goal is to be under 10% body fat by spring... and that's really the only thing I'm focused on at the moment. I'm not worried about dating. I'm not worried about whether I'm too old to be doing certain things. I just do what I want to do. It's nice. I'm content.
Who knows what the future may bring now? Maybe some girl will come along and take my breath away (yes... I did use that corny line). I've decided not to go out looking for it though. If it happens, it happens. If not... Oh well.