Monday, July 14, 2008

I can't complain

At least that's what I tell myself...

The truth is I'm in such a weird and frustrating position in life. I know how fortuante I am. I was born in a comfortable, middle class family. My parents were able to provide me with everything I could ever want and more. I had the opportunity to go to school, get a great education, and my ability in school allowed me to get a good, well-paying job. I think I do my job reasonably well, and for the most part, people generally like me. I work in a nice town. I drive a nice car. I live in a decent apartment. I can afford to buy pretty much whatever I want whenever I want.

I can't express how grateful I am for all those things because I know that many others never had the opportunities that I did.

However, I can't help but complain that everything, other than the things I just listed, tends to go wrong for me. There are so many things wrong with me that I can't even say them. I don't even want to list them. Many of them are just due to unfortunate rolls of the genetic dice. They're not things I can change, and they make my life so much more diificult than it has to be. They affect my personality. They keep me guarded. They cause me to hesitate to do things when others just dive right in.

From the outside, I can be hard to understand, but if you were me for a day, everything would become much clearer. Put it this way... With all the things I have going for me (my education, my respectability, my job, my money), not many would trade placees.

At least that's how I feel... My faults far outweigh whatever strengths I have. My mom recently called me a "sad waste of a life," but she doesn't know. Only one person does know... and that person is no longer a part of my life anymore. That tells you something...


Anonymous said...

dude, get over her, you'll find a nice chic that's gona rock your world

Pharmacy Mike said...

I am over her...

That's not what I'm talking about in this post.

Anonymous said...

I've read your posts for a while now and think your moms way off base. Yeah you have some issues-but so do most of us. I read about a pharmacist who has high standards. Why is this a problem? Other than we can often be our own worst critic. So you don't just settle for the bar set low.
Keep up the fight and keep blogging. You would probably be surprised how many people would trade places with you.

Ninja Medic said...

I'm sorry, Mike. I'm sorry that you got the short end of the genetic stick, so to speak. I know how it feels (probably not the extent you do and I'm certainly not trying to minimize your issues); I've got some problems myself that are a result of my parents genetic dontations to me...and the thing that makes me really sad is that I've passed them along to my kids.

I missed you when you took a break. I was starting to worry.....

pharmacychick said...

I'm telling ya, I've read you for a while and even RPh's get depressed. Its not a character flaw and everything you write (when you start writing like this) points in that direction. Ive been there, when I started believing that the world would be better off without me, I got help.
"Rolls of the genetic dice?" Mike, you are who you are in some respects but in others, you are who you MAKE yourself to be. Everybody has "flaws" but they dont have to define you. I highly doubt you look like Quasimoto and even if you dont ever grace the cover of GQ, I can guarantee you that whats UNDER your skin is more important than whats above it.

Pharmacy Mike said...

I'm being vague... but it's not so much a looks problem either.

Someday, when I work up the courage, I'll write more specifically about it. I'm not ready yet.

Anonymous said...

PharmacyChick made a good point - specifically about depression. You admit you have some flaws that you can do nothing about, but they're not related to how you look. They are, however, related to how you look at yourself. There is a difference.

For some reason, I've been the worrier in my household (even as a child). To adapt, I've taken the approach of thinking "what's the worst that could happen?".

When I had my first miscarriage - I thought perhaps I couldn't have children. So-I mulled that over & decided after a time, I could live with it.

When I did become pregnant - yep-what's the worst? The problem is - I knew the worst - I worked in a hospital with a NICU. I spent 9 months mulling that over & finally decided I had no control, so I relied on my spouse. Fortunately, I never had to live with the worst, but I did find out I had a spouse who would never, ever let me down.

When my spouse had brain surgery & I had 2 toddlers, I thought - what's the worst? Not that he could die - it was he could be a vegetable. So-mulled that over & decided I could do that too. I could survive & raise these children by myself if I needed to & remember the joys we had knowing I might have years of marriage to a comatose or worse man.

As Pharmachick pointed out-you can depress yourself over anything if you want. You may be infertile, carry a genetic disease, have a genetic disease, be bald when you want a full head of hair or have a bad jump shot you'll never improve.....but - its how you live with that, is it not? Sadly, sometimes depression comes even though you don't want it.

I'm sure your mom is a lovely woman, but as a mother of adults myself, from that one comment she made to you, I can't help but feel she is an unsupportive & undermining influence. Shaming a child - even if that child is a grown man - is no way to encourage or help with helplessness. Both my children have suffered with doubt, as we all do. As parents, our job is to direct them to finding confidence & happiness (you notice I did NOT say success).

NO life is a waste!!! Not yours - even with the faults you have no control over. But, you won't find happiness or contentment with "things". It is inside of you - a knowledge you can overcome anything. You may need some help to find that, but it is there - inside. Is there some reason you don't feel you can utilize the mental health services you know are available to help you find that contentment? Sadly, there is still a stigma to that, but from one pharmacist to another - we both know sometimes folks can't do it alone.

I apologize for the length, but you do worry some of us. If you were my patient, I'd have sit down & long discussion with referral options. You're that same kind of pharmacist, but its hard for any of us to see the need for care sometimes.

Pharmacy Mike said...

Mental health professional I'm sure do wonders for many many people. They'd be useless to me though. I know the way I'm "supposed" to think. I know what I should be trying to do. At least I know what others would tell me to do.

I know myself better than anyone else. No numbnuts with a psychology degree is going to know more about my own psychological state than I do. There's no magical advice they could give me to help me out. Any change in attitude has to be brought about internally. I'll figure my way out of my problems because I'm really the only one who can.

Call it depression... whatever. I call it in my personality. It's a part of who I am. I'll never be satisfied with who I am. I'm always going to want to be more. I'm always going to struggle with being happy, and I will never ever settle for less than what I truly want. I'm prepared to live with the consequences of that attitude, although I'd rather not.

Anonymous said...

the fact that your mom called you a sad waste of life i think revealed alot about how your parents treated you in your youth. i agree with the last post, your parents thoughts sometimes can be a very powerful subconsious anchor that if you don't have to guts to sever you might always feel this way. my parents didnt know what the hell they were doing, and i use my anger towards them constructively its amazing how extraordinary you become with that kind of energy

Anonymous said...

i am starting to think that this blog is a joke written by someone in a fictious manner to see what how people react to this character

Anonymous said...

Seriously Mike - how can you say in a rational manner you would never be satisfied with who you are? That is all you get in this life - one of you. No second chances (unless you believe in some religions). No retakes, ro extra credit, no time off for good behavior.

What more do you want? Things? People? More Degrees? More Residencies or Fellowships? Recognition? Accolades? Sympathy? Empathy? Exicetment? Passion? Laughter? Tears?

Some of us struggle with happiness because we never learned how. I'm not surprised this is a struggle for you now that you've given us a peak into your upbringing. You still allow yourself to wallow in it just by being part of the family structure (or remember that family structure so clearly) that works to bring out the worst in you.

But - Mike - you & I are both pharmacists! Please! You know as well as I do that a change in attitude that does not respond to internal signals (CBT) needs medication to allow the brain to "hear" signals it has turned off. You seem to be allowing your logical pharmacological brain to be shut off to allow the depressive side to speak louder & clearer.

You, my friend, are walking on dangerous ground! You need someone else to evaluate you because you have lost all sense of normalcy. Medications allow your brain to think clearly of options when previously it got mired or bogged down in problems. That sounds like where you are.

Honestly - you know these referrals - use them! You know the physicians you admire who don't overmedicate, continue CBT with medication management and have patients who recover with time.

Perhaps its time for you???????

I'm honest - we worry for you, if that means anything at all.

TSP said...

No one can tell you how to feel or what you're supposed to feel. You'll be the way you are no matter what anyone says.

I've gone through great lengths to try to change who I am because I didn't think people would like the real me. I spent so much time with a wall up trying to hide the real me that it was really difficult to try to take down that barrier and allow anyone to get close. Therefore, I had a large group of people around, but no one I could really talk to.

The only person I've been able to get close to, who really knows me and allowed me to just be me is my significant other, but I still don't know how to form a close relationship with anyone else.

Who do you talk to when the problem is your only best friend? I had someone like that, and do to my own flaws managed to screw that up as well.

I say all this, because I think I understand what you're going through and to let you know that it's only time and inner strength that will allow you to accept who you are and embrace it rather than push it away and dive deeper into your shell.

rw said...

I've just come back to these blogs so sorry for late reply, hope it everything works out for you, I've been reading/enjoying all these RPh blogs in my downtime, because they are insightful, often comical, and relatable. Please keep continuing your blog! It's refreshing and I'm sorry u felt bad for this time being.