Thursday, March 27, 2008

Yet another self-loathing post

I'm a loser. I really am. I may be well educated, intelligent, and morally decent. I'm kind. I have a good job that makes pretty good money. I have a lot of things going for me, but despite all that, I'm still a loser.

Someone I know has been trying to set me up with her very attractive sister for literally 2 months now. She told her sister about me. Her sister stopped into work to "check me out," and then told her she'd like to go out for drinks with me. She gave me her sister's number telling me she wanted me to call her.

I never did. It's not because I'm not interested. I am. From all reports, she's a really nice girl, and some have even said that we'd probably hit it off right away if we met. I really have no explanation as to why I haven't called her or at least made some attempt to meet her, except that I'm scared to death... Hence, I'm a loser.

I suppose it's a self-esteem problem, but with me, it's more stupidly complicated. I feel like I'm not good enough for her. I actually feel that I'm not good enough for anyone. I feel that no matter who I'm with, I'll always be holding them back from being with someone better. If I thought higher of myself, perhaps I wouldn't think like this. However, I'm a person who's grounded (too much so) in logic. I think that any girl that I'd be interested in would be able to get a better looking, more fun, more adventurous, more caring guy.

See, I'm the kind of guy who's not really offensive in any way. I'm OK looking; not ugly, but certainly nothing special. I'm nice. I'm smart. I can converse about a wide range of topics. I have a good job. I'm polite. There's nothing about me that would make someone turn and run quickly away.

However, I don't have a lot that would make someone interested to be any more than friends with me. I'm not exciting in the least bit. I'm a slave to routine. I'm not especially keen on trying new things. I tend to pick a few restaurants I like and eat at them all the time, rarely trying some place different. I don't like to dance (at least not at clubs). I don't have much passion for anything (except maybe examining my own shortcomings).

You know how some people are so excited about things that their energy is infectious, and it makes others get excited as well? These are the kind of people that could be so enthusiastic about reading a phonebook that others wouldn't be able to wait to join in. I'm the exact oppossite. I have a knack for making everything I do sound incredibly boring.

"What did you do last night Mike?"

"Oh... nothing."


"Well, I went to eat."

"Really??? Anyplace good?"

"No... not really."

"Who'd you go with?"

"No one really... just a few friends."


That's generally how a conversation about anything I do goes with me. A great example of this was my trip to Miami with a few friends last fall. My friends tell everyone stories about late night drunken fun, and always say how much fun they had. I tell everyone that it was OK, or that the weather was nice.

Often times, I feel like the only emotion I feel is frustration. I get frustrated with stupid people at work. I get frustrated with my boring life. I get frustrated with my parents and friends. I rarely feel happy. I rarely feel excited about anything. Few things move me at all.

Anyway... Within all that stupid meandering are the reasons I haven't called this nice, intelligent (at least her job would make you think she had to be intelligent), very attractive girl. The reason I'm writing about this now even though it's been going on for a couple months now is because the girl who was trying to set me up with her has pretty much given up and is now trying to set her up with someone else.

I actually feel jealous about this. How stupid is that? I have repeatedly shrugged off calling her, but now I'm feeling jealous that she's now trying to set someone else up. I think that's the definition of insanity. It actually goes right back to what eventually caused my break up with my ex; I'm afraid to say how I really feel. I want to scream out, "Wait! I really do want to meet your sister!," but I just can't. I can't get the words out of my mouth. It's almost as if it physically hurts to say what's actually on my mind.

In any case... that's why I'm a loser. I lament about how miserable my life is, even though I know perfectly well what I have to do to make it better. I'm really not lost or confused. I just won't, or maybe more accurately, I can't take those steps to self-improvement... and that makes me more miserable.

So again, I'm a loser.


Jeny said...

What you think of as boring, someone else might think of as safe and stable. Those things attract a lot of people. The negatives you see in yourself are probably interesting qualities that people admire about you. Nothing happens over night, try taking very small steps! I'm sure everyone tells you that. I hope you get to feeling better soon. You can do it!!!

Gary said...

no offense mike but have you considered talking to someone about all of this? perhaps you could benefit from some psychiatric help.

Anonymous said...

If you were truly interested in a relationship,I believe you would have called her. This leads me to believe that deep down you are fine with the way things are. You even said yourself, you just don't care to do anything. It's like you're in this state of inertia and you don't care to pull yourself out of it. So yeah, you drone on and on about how boring your life is, but I believe that's the way you want it.

Pharmacy Mike said...

If I wanted it that way, I wouldn't be so miserable.

I have problems, but only I can fix them. No psychologist/psychiatrist is going to help me. They'll just tell me things I already know.

My anxieties and self-criticisms are rationally based. They're not made up in my head. I have to figure out a way to change my attitude and expectations, and only then will I be able to get over them.

I don't need to pay some guy $200/hr to tell me about myself. I know myself better than anyone. Furthermore, I'm not a danger to society, so I will not take psych meds. The only one who is hurting from all this is myself, and I'll either overcome it on my own or drown in it. I'm not taking a fucking pill to be happy.

I was happy for quite a long period of time in my past without any help from medication, so I clearly have the capacity for happiness on my own. I don't have a diseased brain. I just have to overcome my own defeatist, pessimistic personality.

Anonymous said...

I think I'm in love with you.

Pharmacy chick said...

I am boring and unadventursome. I hate risk, like comfort and sameness. I have a terrific sense of humor but its a little acerbic and sarcastic. I am average at best in the looks dept but Pharmacy Chick found her soulmate.
When I looked, I never found--He found me. Keep your hopes up!
Pharmacy Chick

greensunflowerRN said...

um no they are not rational to anybody but you

you know what i think

big hugs

Ribeye of your Dreams said...

You're not a loser dude, you just have priorities =)

Compared to my life, you've got your shit together! So you don't go out on a date too often, being single is more fun anyway. I'm sure you'll get past the slump eventually. If you want to read about real losers, check out the people I have to deal with.

Un-PC RPh said...

If you want my drug store psychiatrist opinion of you, I would diagnos you with chronic dysphoric personality disorder. You really remind me of mself, a lot, really. If I were single I think it might be fun to go out for drinks with you... however, it probably would not work out, because 2 really boring people who think a whole bunch and are very selfcritical would be a real downer... which is sort of how my husband and I are.... and we're just not much fun LOL

Zoloft did a world of good for me, though... think about it.

Gail said...

I swear, you remind me so much of myself, 8 or so years ago. I'll just point out that while everything you think and believe about yourself may be perfectly rational, it doesn't mean its necessarily right. As a person who also lives in her own head a lot, having a third party to sort of put the breaks on thought loops really really helps.

Also, not liking to dance or go out to pubs doesn't make you a loser. Lots of folks prefer to stay in, or have fun in other ways. Today, I had a great day - we decided to try out my new GPS and drove down to a yarn shop, and then had fried chicken on the way back. I finished the evening watching John Adams on HBO. I'm now uploading pictures of yarn to my online gallery. Woo, the excitement. But its who I am, and that's cool.

Un-PC RPh said...

Gail, you sound cool to me! We should swap yarn stash pics! are you on ravelry too? teehee.. loser fiber artists who live in their head and enjoy political history.. rock on sister!

Tena said...

Ok, I know this comment is late & I don't know if you'll even see it since this post was written a few days ago but I just had to say.........Everything you just described about yourself sounds exactly like me. Feels good to know I'm not the only one.

Anonymous said...

you are definitely not the only loser out there bro.......