I just got back from playing 2 hours of pretty intense pick-up basketball games at my local recreation department. My body just isn't in good enough shape to handle that kind of exertion. Over the last 30 minutes, I couldn't even take a jumpshot anymore because my calves would cramp up. Now, every muscle in my legs hurts in some way. I'm still feeling the remnants of all that adrenaline, and even though it's after midnight, I don't feel tired in the least bit. I feel like writing something, but I'm not quite sure what. Therefore, I'm probably going to ramble on for a bit and be all over the place. Just a warning...
I've been trying to develop a new outlook on life. Actually, it's not so much new as it is the way I used to think long ago. I'm always going to be a thinker. That's just me. I'll always analyze every nuance of my existence. However, I'm trying not to be so harsh on myself, and I'm trying to think more positively. Most of all, I'm trying to get back to just being myself.
After a disappointing and utterly frustrating trip to a club recently, I've decided that I will never go to a club again. In addition, I'm going to stop drinking alcohol. Ever since I became single, I pretty much followed my friends wherever they felt like going. They wanted to go to the club, I'd go with them. They wanted to go to some crowded bar, I tagged along. What else is there to do for a single guy? I was bored and lonely. I needed all the company I could get to take my mind off my shitty situation with my ex. Hell, I still need the company.
This recent trip to the club, however, made me realize that I fucking hate clubs, and I fucking hate crowded bars. I hate the pretentious and often sleazy people who populate those places. I can't stand techno music. In fact, I hate it with a passion. It's not even music. It's the same stupid bass beat over and over and over again. It numbs your brain, which is I suppose the point. After all, you wouldn't want to appear intelligent to anyone at one of those clubs. All anyone cares about is if you look hot. For guys that means you must make sure to get one of those retarded looking blow-out haircuts, pop the collar of your half-buttoned clubbing shirt, and slather on that tan-in-a-bottle shit. Shit... It's like these assholes roll off an assembly line. Every one of them is the same fucking person, just in varying heights. Every time I see one, I have a nearly uncontrollable urge to punch him in the face. However, I guess that's how you get all the good women... and you know what I mean by good women (at least in club terminology); The ones that wear the skimpiest, tightest outfits imaginable.
Anyway... I was at the stupid club, drinking one $8 mixed drink after another, and outwardly I seemed like I was enjoying myself. In reality, I kept checking my watch every 2 minutes to see if it was close to last call (which is amazingly early where I live), so I could get the fuck out of there. Most of the time, I was thinking that I'd much rather be at home, by myself, reading my book than to have to put up with all these people.
Finally, we left, and upon getting back to my apartment, I realized I was a little drunker than I thought I was. As I put my head on my pillow, the room kind of spun a little bit. I knew that I would the next morning wouldn't be fun. Of course, I woke up with a horrible hangover and proceeded to spend most of the day in bed. I hate feeling hungover. I always chastise myself for drinking so much, but I always end up getting drunk again at my next opportunity. I started to think, "What's the point?" Really... What does alcohol do for me? Did it make me enjoy the club any more than I would have without it? No. Did it remove my inhibitions and make it easier to talk to women? No. What the hell was the point of drinking for me?
I didn't have a sip of alcohol until well after my 21st birthday. I didn't drink during my first 4 years of college. In fact, I didn't start drinking until my girlfriend got to law school, and she started going out drinking with her classmates. I figured I either had to start drinking, so I could hang out with her, or say goodbye to any chance of spending time with her. (We all know how well that ended up working out for me). Before that, I was never even tempted. My roommates had parties in our dorm room with tons of beer and liquor, and I would never drink. People laughed at me and asked what was wrong with me, but I didn't care. I wasn't the one passed out with my head on a toilet at the end of the night. While they were sleeping off a hangover on Saturday, I was at the gym breaking ankles on the basketball court. I was proud of being alcohol free. It made me different. I felt mentally tougher than all those kids that went away to college and succumbed to the social pressures to drink.
Look at me over the last two years though. I took up drinking simply to give me something to do with my friends. I started acting like the people I ridiculed, and what has it gotten me? Nothing. It only made me lose some of my self respect, which in turn has made me even more of a social outcast (at least in the dating circle). After all, how can I expect someone to like and respect me if I don't even like or respect myself?
Therefore, I've made a decision to get back some of that self-respect by avoiding the things that don't bring me any contentment. Clubs, over-crowded bars, and drinking large quantities of alcohol don't add one bit of happiness to my life. I'm much happier when I read a great book or watch a movie. This isn't to say I'm not going to hang out with my friends anymore. If they want to go to a non-crowded local bar to hang out, I'll go with them. I'll spend the night drinking Diet Coke and eating wings instead of drinking beer, and I'll still have the same amount of fun.
I guess that's my first step towards self-improvement. I have to make myself happy before I can even think about having a relationship. If I can accomplish that, then everything else will probably fall into place.