Perhaps, I'm still reeling from my horrible Saturday, but all I know is that I've been really stressed out at work lately. We haven't been any busier than usual. There haven't been a lot of problems or asshole customers. I'm just feeling worn out.
On Tuesday, I hardly said a word to anyone all day. Normally, I joke around with my coworkers and talk about sports or whatever else comes up. On Tuesday, I just wanted to be left alone.
Really, I think some of it is the constant stream of questions that our clerks ask us. They can't seem to do anything on their own, and it's really hard to have to hold their hands while trying to do my own job. I just wish they'd start catching onto a few things that they should know how to do.
Ideally, I'd love to personally train each and every one of them. However, I can't do that and work at the same time. It becomes too overwhelming, for me at least. I feel pressure to do everything quickly because I hate falling behind. Therefore, whenever a question comes up, I tend to just go over there and resolve it as quickly as possible instead of taking the time to teach them.
Part of the problem is that most of our clerks just do not catch on quickly to anything. I must have walked on of them through the same thing 10 times, and she still asks me how to do it every time the situation comes up. I feel like screaming to her, "HOW DO YOU STILL NOT GET THIS???" But, I'm sure that wouldn't go over very well.
Another source of stress is just the general interactions I have with my coworkers. When I'm just joking around and busting balls, I'm fine. However, I hate seemingly simple and harmless questions like, "What did you do on your day off?" or "How was your weekend?" I hate those questions because my answer is always the same. "I didn't do anything. I just sat around all day."
Generally (as one can discern from reading this blog), I have nothing worthwhile to do when I'm not working. I haven't been on a date since August. Other than a couple parties, I haven't done much of anything.
Moreover, I hate talking about my personal life. I still haven't met the eHarmony girl yet (although that's probably going to change very soon), but even when I do, and even if it goes incredibly well, I don't want to talk about it. That's always been my way. I hate discussing the things I do on my own time with people who aren't very close friends. I don't like explaining my actions. I don't like giving details. I generally don't want people to know what I think. When I started dating my ex, I didn't admit it to my friends until a few months later (even though they all knew).
I'm not sure why, but I always hold back. Sunday was the last day for one of the girls who worked in our pharmacy for close to a year. She was a really nice girl. I liked working with her a lot. In fact, her pleasant personality kind of made my day many times. However, I could hardly muster up a smile to say goodbye. I didn't want her to know that I cared one bit whether she left or not. That's so stupid because it makes me look like I'm cold hearted, but that can't be further from the truth. I just have a hard time showing and expressing my feelings. The truth is, I'll miss working with her. I wish she didn't have to get another job. I just couldn't express this. I don't really know why. I guess it just feels weird to me.
It's a continual conflict between what's really in my mind and how I actually act. I firmly believe that my true self is this gregarious, super-friendly, thoughtful person who likes to laugh and talk about all sorts of things. However, all anyone ever sees of me is a quiet, reserved, super-serious, and (at times) cold hearted person. I hate that I act like that. I want to let go and just be myself, but I'm so inhibited that it makes it impossible. My inhibitions are so deep set that not even tons of alcohol can cause me to lower them.
These inhibitions have prevented me from reaching the kind of success I should have had in all areas of my life. I always look at basketball as a microcosm of my whole life. Through countless hours of practice I had developed more skills than probably any player who ever came out of my town. Hell, when I was in middle school, I was probably the most gifted ballhandler of any person my age in the entire world. I religiously watched and practiced the drills in the Pistol Pete's Homework Basketball videos. By 8th grade, I had mastered just about all of Pete Maravich's ballhandling drills. I could throw perfect full court behind the back passes. In the open court, I could dribble the ball so well that I was just about unstoppable. I could dribble with either hand faster than just about any other kid my age could run.
As I've stated in a previous post though, I was never a star. I had a few great games. I made for some memorable moments. I drew oohs and ahhs from some coaches and spectators. However, it was always the same story with me...
"He's such a good dribbler and shooter, but he needs to look to score more."
"Mike, you need to shoot more. Stop passing up open shots."
"There's no reason you shouldn't be taking at least 15 shots per game."
"Mike, you need to play with more confidence. Don't worry about missing a few shots."
If any other person possessed the basketball skills I had, they would have DOMINATED everyone. I was afraid to use all of them. I had a million different kind of shots that I could take, and I made them a billion times shooting around in my yard, but I would never take them in games because I felt they were unorthodox. I could have gotten a shot off anytime I wanted to, but I barely shot the ball 10 times per game.
It's just an example of me holding back my true self. I was afraid of how good I could be, so I never allowed myself to be great. That's how my life is. I'm a great and fun person, but I'm afraid to show it.
I have no answers for this, and this long blog entry probably isn't going to provide any either.