Tuesday, January 19, 2010

I Feel Like I'm Going Crazy

I go days at a time without turning on my TV. Work, which I used to not mind all that much, has suddenly become a huge chore to me. I've completely lost track of my favorite sports teams, and I've even lost the urge to play basketball 24/7.

The things and activities that made up my entire life for the previous 3 years suddenly feel so unfulfilling to me. Basically, the reason for this is that I spend every moment of my day thinking about how I wish I could see my girlfriend. I've never felt so strongly towards someone so quickly. She consumes my thoughts. I think about ways I can make her happy literally all day long.

I know that it's so early in this relationship, but I'm pretty sure I love her. When I'm away from her, I eagerly await the next time I'll get to see her. When I'm with her, it just feels right. It feels so natural to wake up with her right next to me. When she's not here, I go to bed and wake up feeling so lonely.

I was never like this before, even with my ex. Honestly, I hated sharing a bed with her. I never felt like I could get a good night's sleep, so I never wanted to sleep over. Even when we lived together for a couple months, I just could never get used to it. Now with my girlfriend, I have no problem.

We've already said "I love you" to each other. She said it first, but the timing was less than ideal (it was New Year's Eve, and she was pretty drunk at the time). She apologized the next day for blurting it out so soon, but she also affirmed that she did mean what she said. I told her I felt the same, despite it being early in the relationship.

Despite all this, we both admitted to each other that we have fears about the relationship. She said she's afraid that the "magic" we're feeling now will some day go away. I told her I was afraid of being hurt again. However, I also told her that I wasn't going to let fear rule my life. The bottom line was that I'm presently extremely happy, and that's all I'm going to think about. She agreed this was a good outlook.

All of this just doesn't seem real to me. I've spent so long feeling like every meaningful thing in my life was destined to fail. It's this expectation of catastrophe that is so hard for me to handle. I'm just waiting for something to go wrong, so despite the fact that I love her, love being with her, and will do just about anything to make her happy, I don't feel completely comfortable with the relationship. I'm taking things one week at a time because I'm too afraid to make plans any further in the future.

While I'm rambling, let me tell you a little about the girl that stole my heart. She went to the same high school as I did, but we never knew each other in school. Her best friend is one of my best friends' sister. We've both been friends with these siblings since we were in kindergarten, so we have shared memories of my friend's house and the neighborhood even though we never knew of each other until recently.

She was quiet in high school... like me. She admits to thinking too much and over analyzing things. Sound familiar? Her mind works a lot like mine. We tend to think of the same things, and often, we think of them at the same time. It's actually almost eerie how much we think alike.

She studied photography in college and now works as a photo editor and a photographer. She's artistic and very creative. She likes arts and crafts. She has a million art supplies in her room, and her floor is perpetually covered in glitter. However, she's terrible at math and not particularly good at science. See, her strengths are my weaknesses and vice versa. I joke that the two of us combined would make one pretty incredibly talented person.

She also loves to cook and bake, and she likes a wide variety of food, which makes her great to go out to eat with. Since I love to eat (probably as much as any guy you'll ever meet who weighs 155 pounds), she's a really good match for me in this regard.

Oh yeah... and she's cute.

I'm sorry for rambling on. I'm just feeling simultaneously excited and nervous right now. I'm excited things have gone so well up to this point. I'm extremely nervous because I really don't want this to fall apart. I'm doing everything in my power to ensure it doesn't, but I know I can't control everything in life. I guess the only thing I can do is constantly show her how much I care about her and never give her any reason to doubt it. If I do that, and things still go wrong, then I can't have any regrets because I'll know I did everything I could.

That's probably the only positive lesson I learned from my breakup with my ex. I spent years regretting many of the words I said and decisions I made in that relationship. I didn't always treat her like I should have, and that's ultimately one of the reasons it failed. I won't make that mistake again. I promise myself that.


Anonymous said...

"It feels so natural to wake up with her right next to me."
Nice to hear you're getting some action. It's also nice to hear that you're experiencing happiness with her. You deserve it.

oddharmonic said...

I'm going to duck after saying this, but this post is so cute I might have to check my blood sugar afterward.

It's nice to see you sound so happy. I hope this relationship continues to be as fulfilling for you both.

rinty said...

PharmacyMIke, congrats on everything, I have only begun to catch up on your blog, which is now just one of three pharm.blogs I read. Not only I was happy you were happy with a new gf, I was impressed about your thought of a career change. (You're not alone, a buddy was told me just about every pharmacy friend she had really wanted to quit!) Maybe something else in the pharmacy sector? Or were you going the philanthropy route completely?

oleapothecary said...

Mike, to use an Australian expression, "Good on you!" (I think that's the down-under equivalent of saying "good FOR you"). I hope you two keep what you have. Sounds like there is plenty of magic to last.