I bought that condo, and now I wish I could give the damn place back. This is, by far, the worst decision I've ever made in my life. I bought a place that requires more work than I'm capable of doing at a price that was probably much more than it was worth, and worst of all, I realized I'm just not ready to be a home owner. I'm so disappointed in myself.
I've been waiting forever and saving up money in preparation for buying a place. I had the money. I had the plan. Then when the time came that to finally make a purchase, I rushed in like an idiot. I had the money to buy a really nice home. However, for some reason, I went out and bought a fixer-upper. I have no idea why I bought a place that needed so much work. I am not in the least bit handy. I have a hard time changing a light bulb. However, I went out and bought a disaster of a condo thinking that if I buy it cheap, I can spend a little bit of money and make it a whole lot nicer and worth a whole lot more.
Of course... I greatly underestimated how much it would cost to fix the place. Now, I'm struggling to figure out how to make all the necessary improvements with a very tight budget. I said "yes" to buying the place so quickly that I didn't really pay attention to all the things that were wrong with it. Since, I can't do anything by myself, I have to hire someone to do it. Contractors are coming in with estimates of over twice as much as I have to spend. Therefore, I'm trying to piece this giant home renovation project together for the cheapest amount of money possible.
Of course, if I was a person that actually liked to do little projects, this wouldn't be so bad. The problem is that I fucking hate it. I hate being bothered with this stuff. I hate calling electricians. I hate calling plumbers. I hate Home Depot. I just hate doing this kind of handy work even if I'm not really the one doing most of it. To save money, I'm trying to paint the place myself. I've never painted anything in my life before, and I already know that I hate painting. The last 2 weeks have been a living hell for me.
Through all of this, I learned the hard truth that I'm just not mature and responsible enough to be a home owner. I like the apartment life. If something goes wrong, I call maintenance, and they fix it. As long as I pay my rent every month, the apartment complex takes care of everything else. It's nice. It's hassle free. It perfectly suits my personality.
I kind of think of my apartment as a really nice college dorm room. It's not my home. It's just a place where I hang out in between going to work. You can't think of a house or condo in the same way. You own it. You're ultimately responsible for everything. No one is there to bail you out if something goes wrong. You have to take the initiative to get it fixed yourself. I'm not responsible enough for that. When I get home from work, I just want to throw my stuff on the floor, sit down, and relax. I'm often too lazy to hang up my clothes, so they just pile up on my dresser for a week or so. When you're not worried about your apartment's future value, you tend to not care what happens to it. With a home, you're constantly trying to protect your investment.
Maybe it wouldn't have been so bad if I actually bought a nice place in the first place. I was so set on living only a couple miles from work that I would not even look at a nice place that was more than 5 minutes away. I wanted to live in a certain condo complex, and I chose the first unit that became available. Unfortunately, it was a piece of garbage, and instead of saying "no," I bought a place that I didn't even really like that much.
I don't know why I do these things to myself. I limited myself to a certain price range even though I could easily afford twice as much. If I spent even just a little bit more, I could have gotten a place that I really loved that required little to no work. Then, I wouldn't have had to deal with all the shit I'm dealing with now. But nooooo.... I had to make it difficult on myself.
Sometimes I think that I subconsciously punish myself whenever the opportunity presents itself. I constantly have to rationalize to myself that I'm a good person and worthy of whatever I desire in life. However, in the back of my mind, I think there's always this lingering feeling that I don't deserve nice things and that I've taken the cheater's way through life. I try to convince myself that I'm nice and do a lot of good for a lot of people, especially at work. However deep inside, I can't stand myself. Therefore, I constantly sabotage myself to keep me from getting what I truly want.
I would say that I'm destined to be miserable for my entire life, but I don't believe in destiny. I'll just say that I don't think I'll be anything but miserable for the foreseeable future.