Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Silence

The silence gets to me sometimes. As I sit here typing this post, the only sounds I can hear are the soft clicks of my fingers punching the keys. It's been this way for hours now. No phone calls. No text messages. I can't even hear cars outside. It's just me in this little apartment. The rest of the world may as well not exist.

It's not so much the loneliness that bothers me but the sense of isolation. It's a feeling that I'm completely inconsequential. Even though I can't hear it, I know people are going about their lives all around me, and I have absolutely no effect on them. I don't matter. If I happened to die in this apartment, no one would know about it for days. No one would call looking for me. I'm not expected to be anywhere. I have no plans with anyone. It's just me in my little apartment, which might as well be my own universe.

No matter what anyone says or tries to convince themselves, you cannot be happy living like I do. That's not to say that my life is miserable. It's just not happy. How could it be? "Happiness is only real when shared." Without friends or loved ones in my life, everything I have and everything I do is ultimately meaningless. I have no one to reflect with. I have no one to be happy with me. No one to be excited for me. No one to be proud of me...

The question then becomes, if this life doesn't make me happy, then why don't I correct the situation? Why don't I make more of an effort to be with friends and family? Why don't I try to meet new people? Why don't I try to date? There's a million things I could be doing to remedy my situation, but I don't do any of them. If I refuse to do anything about it, then I really shouldn't complain about it, right?

Here's the reason I choose to live this way: I'm so acutely aware of my personal faults that I don't want to subject anyone to me. I tend to hurt the people I care about. The only conversations I have with my parents involve yelling and arguing. I don't even talk to my brother. I haven't seen my other relatives in years, even though, as an adult, I can hop in my car and see them whenever I want.

Even with my ex (who I haven't written about in a long time)... I can't even count how many times I made her cry in our nearly 6 year relationship, and I loved her more than I thought I could ever love someone. It was stupid stuff. It's always stupid stuff with me. I get frustrated over something dumb (like not being able to find a parking space), and I lash out. Afterwards, I always tell myself I'll never do it again. I get mad at myself and try to change, but I can't. I get easily frustrated, and when I get frustrated, I can't control my emotions.

It happens to me playing basketball too. I miss a few jump shots, and I start muttering to myself. Miss a few more, then the frustration really sets in. At that point, if I miss another one, I usually let out a FUCK!!!!! at the top of my lungs, so loud that everyone within 100 yards stops what they're doing and looks at me. It embarrasses me because I'm not at all that kind of person normally. I'm really one of the most soft spoken, well-mannered people you'll ever meet in most circumstances. However, if I get frustrated enough, I lose control. I hate that part of myself. I tell myself that I need to be calm, cool, and collected like my favorite player Ray Allen, but I can never do it.

My embarrassment over my frustrated outbursts causes me to be overly controlling of my emotions in every other aspect of my life. If you talk to me when I'm not frustrated, I come across as the most bland person in the world. I have no passions. Nothing excites me. Nothing pleases me. I'm just blah all the time. I'm afraid to let my emotions go unchecked because I don't know how I will react.

I just can't be like everyone else. My brain doesn't work that way. I accept that, and I make what I think is the best out of my situation. However, it doesn't stop me from desiring more. Think of it like a double leg amputee. Yes, the amputee can make the best of his life given his physical limitations. However, he'll always wish he could walk. Similarly, I know I can't handle any kind of personal relationship (friends, family, significant other) without inflicting mental anguish on the other person, and I've found ways to not be miserable giving my situation. However, I'll always desire to be like everyone else.

It's taken me about an hour to write this post. In that time, I didn't get an email. Didn't get a text message. Didn't get a phone call. No one knocked at my door. My existence has gone completely unacknowledged all day. Days like these, which happen far too often, cause me to think about stuff like this.

*** As a blog note... I've kind of given up on pharmacy blogging. I don't have much left to say about my job. I feel like I've written every thing worth writing about already, so unless some new and different ideas pop into my head, you'll probably be seeing much more of these kind of posts than anything to do with pharmacy. I apologize to those that actually cared about what I had to say regarding pharmacy. I figure I'm too pessimistic to be a voice for the profession anyway. Pharmacy is certain to go nowhere if people like me are writing about it.

8 comments:

Lovely, CPhT said...

I enjoy your blog, and whether you're writing about working in a pharmacy or your personal life, I'll still read it.

Take care.

Anonymous said...

i too will read this blog whether it's about pharmacy or not. you know how to captivate your audience, which i cant say the same for lots of other blogs.

i feel like this particular entry really resonates with me, 'cause i think i have this type of personality too. but dont completely give up on relationships (of any type). eventually you will most likely get tired of avoiding relationships because even you need human contact on a deeper level, regardless of your hyperawareness of your shortcomings and how they affect others. i realized this very important point when i was in college (a few years ago). im sure deep down you it too, but right now you just cant muster the energy to do something about it. i hope that day will come soon for your sake. good luck mike

Anonymous said...

Anon reporting in. Mike, you and I sound like the same kind of person. It seems like I could have written this post. Keep blogging and I'll keep reading.

Anonymous said...

"Isolation exists only in isolation. Once shared it evaporates."

Why don't you begin developing interests? You seem like you have a lot of energy that could be better put to use than sitting in your new house. They have singles adventure clubs, and while it sounds gimmicky, you could be meeting new friends / women and going to wine tastings / rock climbing / horseback riding and finding out if there is some other interest that you would like to pursue. Just a thought.

I too was once depressed and hopeless with the fact that my existence is essentially meaningless, and while I still recognize this, I try to make the most of my time by finding new things to occupy my time other than sitting at home and talking to my cat. I've also taken up running, which has seemed to help a lot, despite the fact that I hate running. Again, just a suggestion. You have to look at yourself everyday and ask yourself if you really like who you are. It's not just about "doing good", it's about being awesome. You have to think that you are a fun and enjoyable person in order to become one.

Also, when are we going to go on a date?

Brother Frankie said...

ya know, i just had a bible study on isolating and the men that do it.

brother, you are just like all men, you are not different. we all suffer from the same things. the same sins. know that you are loved. know that you are cared for. really.

i too put those walls of protection up to stay safe.
i dont really like myself much and feel that others probably do not like me either.

Continue writing,
and when the quiet gets to you, give me a call and we can talk about absolutely nothing,

and i will not think badly of you.

You are Loved
Brother Frankie
A Biker for Christ..

Anonymous said...

hey mike,

do you enjoy these pity parties?

you're no one special. you're exactly right. EVERYONE has faults, and yes, everyone are capabale and some do hurt the loved ones around them- call it human nature.

you're wrong in thinking that you shouldn't have friends just because you're afraid you'll hurt them.
longer you live without social interactions, harder it's gonna be to let go of your fears and insecurities.

its only human to hurt, and to make others hurt. what you're doing...god..its so stifling..it's ridiculous..

i dont think you deserve to be alone- unless you enjoy child porn or murder/rape/etc, you don't deserve to never feel happy, excited, nervous, giddy, etc.

you might not have passions now. but how about if you had friends around you to encourage whats inside to come out, to inspire you..

you're frustrated outbursts are not uncommon. if you lose control- are you beating up on a chick? are you throwing dishes against the wall?

you're way too hard on yourself.

u create mental anguish, but who doesnt?
the ppl i love the most give me the most mental anguish. thats just the passion, baby.

Becky the Techie said...

I'm firmly convinced that who or whatever is in charge of the universe created Dogs to make us feel like we're *worthy* of love. Meanwhile, he/she/it/they/we created Cats to remind us that we're not Gods.

Perhaps it's time to visit the SPCA?

Corrinne said...

Wow, if I didn't know you were a pharmacist I would think you were my boyfriend =) His name is Mike... he is 27... and there are countless similarities in your personalities. Instead of pharmacy he is one of those mechanically inclined people... can fix anything and everything to do with cars and electronics.

But on another note, he is frusterating sometimes but we work through it. He gets pissed about something and takes it out on me (not abusively, but he gets snappy and gets mad at me for nothing.) Over our 4 years, he has gotten SO much better. You can find someone that loves you for you and will work on it with you. Almost all men I know are like this actually heh.

The dog or cat is a great idea in my opinion. Not to make things all depressing but during a bad time in my life I thought about suicide and how *horrible* my life was. But then I looked at that cute little puppy face and said I couldn't do that to her. And she is always there to cuddle with me and cheer me up =)

I have depression and it sucks. But, it does get better with some effort. I can say it is very hard to find trustworhty friends and to not lose faith in humanity. But- it will get better if you want it to.