The silence gets to me sometimes. As I sit here typing this post, the only sounds I can hear are the soft clicks of my fingers punching the keys. It's been this way for hours now. No phone calls. No text messages. I can't even hear cars outside. It's just me in this little apartment. The rest of the world may as well not exist.
It's not so much the loneliness that bothers me but the sense of isolation. It's a feeling that I'm completely inconsequential. Even though I can't hear it, I know people are going about their lives all around me, and I have absolutely no effect on them. I don't matter. If I happened to die in this apartment, no one would know about it for days. No one would call looking for me. I'm not expected to be anywhere. I have no plans with anyone. It's just me in my little apartment, which might as well be my own universe.
No matter what anyone says or tries to convince themselves, you cannot be happy living like I do. That's not to say that my life is miserable. It's just not happy. How could it be? "Happiness is only real when shared." Without friends or loved ones in my life, everything I have and everything I do is ultimately meaningless. I have no one to reflect with. I have no one to be happy with me. No one to be excited for me. No one to be proud of me...
The question then becomes, if this life doesn't make me happy, then why don't I correct the situation? Why don't I make more of an effort to be with friends and family? Why don't I try to meet new people? Why don't I try to date? There's a million things I could be doing to remedy my situation, but I don't do any of them. If I refuse to do anything about it, then I really shouldn't complain about it, right?
Here's the reason I choose to live this way: I'm so acutely aware of my personal faults that I don't want to subject anyone to me. I tend to hurt the people I care about. The only conversations I have with my parents involve yelling and arguing. I don't even talk to my brother. I haven't seen my other relatives in years, even though, as an adult, I can hop in my car and see them whenever I want.
Even with my ex (who I haven't written about in a long time)... I can't even count how many times I made her cry in our nearly 6 year relationship, and I loved her more than I thought I could ever love someone. It was stupid stuff. It's always stupid stuff with me. I get frustrated over something dumb (like not being able to find a parking space), and I lash out. Afterwards, I always tell myself I'll never do it again. I get mad at myself and try to change, but I can't. I get easily frustrated, and when I get frustrated, I can't control my emotions.
It happens to me playing basketball too. I miss a few jump shots, and I start muttering to myself. Miss a few more, then the frustration really sets in. At that point, if I miss another one, I usually let out a FUCK!!!!! at the top of my lungs, so loud that everyone within 100 yards stops what they're doing and looks at me. It embarrasses me because I'm not at all that kind of person normally. I'm really one of the most soft spoken, well-mannered people you'll ever meet in most circumstances. However, if I get frustrated enough, I lose control. I hate that part of myself. I tell myself that I need to be calm, cool, and collected like my favorite player Ray Allen, but I can never do it.
My embarrassment over my frustrated outbursts causes me to be overly controlling of my emotions in every other aspect of my life. If you talk to me when I'm not frustrated, I come across as the most bland person in the world. I have no passions. Nothing excites me. Nothing pleases me. I'm just blah all the time. I'm afraid to let my emotions go unchecked because I don't know how I will react.
I just can't be like everyone else. My brain doesn't work that way. I accept that, and I make what I think is the best out of my situation. However, it doesn't stop me from desiring more. Think of it like a double leg amputee. Yes, the amputee can make the best of his life given his physical limitations. However, he'll always wish he could walk. Similarly, I know I can't handle any kind of personal relationship (friends, family, significant other) without inflicting mental anguish on the other person, and I've found ways to not be miserable giving my situation. However, I'll always desire to be like everyone else.
It's taken me about an hour to write this post. In that time, I didn't get an email. Didn't get a text message. Didn't get a phone call. No one knocked at my door. My existence has gone completely unacknowledged all day. Days like these, which happen far too often, cause me to think about stuff like this.
*** As a blog note... I've kind of given up on pharmacy blogging. I don't have much left to say about my job. I feel like I've written every thing worth writing about already, so unless some new and different ideas pop into my head, you'll probably be seeing much more of these kind of posts than anything to do with pharmacy. I apologize to those that actually cared about what I had to say regarding pharmacy. I figure I'm too pessimistic to be a voice for the profession anyway. Pharmacy is certain to go nowhere if people like me are writing about it.