Sunday, February 1, 2009

I Don't Know What I Want

(I'm going to be rambling a bit here, so try not to be put off by the lack of focus of this post)

I spend so much time convincing myself that I'm happy with my life and desire no more than what I already have. The truth is that I really don't know what I want. Part of me really IS happy with my life right now. I have a good job that I like. I get to do what I want when I want to. If I want to sit around and watch TV for the entire day when I'm not working, I can do that without anyone criticizing me. If I want to spend $500 on a new technological gadget, I can do so without asking anyone for permission. I eat what I want when I want. Basically, I run on my own schedule, and it's great.

However, another part of me wants something else. I mean, I'm happy being single, but I'm also lonely being single. Sometimes, I just wish I had someone around to talk to or to go out with. Sometimes, I really wish I could sit down and eat dinner with someone else. On some days, I think it would be really nice to come home from a 12 hour shift to see a warm, smiling face waiting for me.

I guess the truth is that I'm happy, but I'm not entirely happy. I don't know if I can ever be entirely happy though because the things I desire greatly conflict. I apparently desire to live like a bachelor, but be able to do relationship stuff whenever I feel like it. Obviously, it doesn't work that way. I have to make sacrifices one way or the other. Right now, I'm sacrificing relationships for my own personal space.

While I'm still relatively young, that sacrifice seems OK to me. However, I worry that I'll wake up one day and realize that I'm 40 years old and completely alone.

I don't know how to reconcile the two conflicting desires. I'm just writing this because I'm going through one of those times when I wish I had someone else just for a little emotional support.


new marvel said...

Or..... you could find someone who gives you the space you need, without judgment/criticism, who will also be around for the little things, like dinner or weekend getaways :)

You've got a long time before the 40s hit. Make the most of it.

jennifur said...

just go on living like a bachelor until you feel ready to sacrifice that lifestyle because you'll still have a good chance of getting into a relationship at the age of 40 for a number of reasons:

1) you are a pharmacist and you make decent income. dont underestimate that when it comes to dating women.

2) you yourself said long ago somewhere on this blog (forgot where) that you're a decent looking dude. not brad pitt, but surely you're no quasimodo. perhaps with age you'll get even better because you're a guy. if you were a woman i'd be a lot more worried. so thank your cojones!

3) by then you'll be ready to truly invest lots of time (and maybe some cash) in finding a good relationship. it's better than trying to half-assedly find a relationship right now and end up being burnt for it.

Anonymous said...

A movie quote seems appropriate here... you're "not happy, but not unhappy about it". Hang in there. Enjoy life now, and she'll come along when you are ready.

Anonymous said...

On the flip side of that equation, I married young and didn't get to experience the 'single' life nearly as long as I wish I had. I love my husband, but really wish I had waited a few years and experienced living alone, etc. Hang in there - enjoy this while you can. Go travel, meet new people and live the life that you can't once you do settle down.

Rinny said...

mike you aren't alone! I've met and heard about professionals who are single and have the same feelings. I guess for singles like us, it is also "working on in the meantime" phase. You can do so much as a single person and not have to worry to much about taking care of house/kids/whoever for now. Volunteering, gettin active on boards (outside/online) all that to take your mind off the loneliness. Hope it works out!