(I'm going to be rambling a bit here, so try not to be put off by the lack of focus of this post)
I spend so much time convincing myself that I'm happy with my life and desire no more than what I already have. The truth is that I really don't know what I want. Part of me really IS happy with my life right now. I have a good job that I like. I get to do what I want when I want to. If I want to sit around and watch TV for the entire day when I'm not working, I can do that without anyone criticizing me. If I want to spend $500 on a new technological gadget, I can do so without asking anyone for permission. I eat what I want when I want. Basically, I run on my own schedule, and it's great.
However, another part of me wants something else. I mean, I'm happy being single, but I'm also lonely being single. Sometimes, I just wish I had someone around to talk to or to go out with. Sometimes, I really wish I could sit down and eat dinner with someone else. On some days, I think it would be really nice to come home from a 12 hour shift to see a warm, smiling face waiting for me.
I guess the truth is that I'm happy, but I'm not entirely happy. I don't know if I can ever be entirely happy though because the things I desire greatly conflict. I apparently desire to live like a bachelor, but be able to do relationship stuff whenever I feel like it. Obviously, it doesn't work that way. I have to make sacrifices one way or the other. Right now, I'm sacrificing relationships for my own personal space.
While I'm still relatively young, that sacrifice seems OK to me. However, I worry that I'll wake up one day and realize that I'm 40 years old and completely alone.
I don't know how to reconcile the two conflicting desires. I'm just writing this because I'm going through one of those times when I wish I had someone else just for a little emotional support.