Sunday, April 27, 2008

Completely Lost

I don't even know where to begin...

Over the last few days, a whole mess of stuff came together that has left me feeling lost, alone, anxious for the future, and with a feeling that I'm heading hopelessly down a wrong path in life. I get like this from time to time, but this is a lot worse than normal. I can't seem to get a grasp on my emotions in order to pull myself out of it.

I guess I'll run through a laundry list of the stuff that's bothering me. I don't really know what else to do.

Earlier last week, I ran into some girl I went to high school with. She was in my pharmacy when I spotted her, and I went out to talk to her for a few minutes. She's a really friendly person, very cute, effervescent, and very pleasant to be around. She just moved into the same apartment complex as me, and she invited me to a housewarming party she was having on Friday.

I thought this was great. For one, I don't know anyone who lives in my apartment complex, so it was nice to see a familiar face. Secondly, she's a nice girl who I wouldn't mind at all to take go out with her a few times... at least I thought that at first. It's stupid to say, but it sounded like it would be a good opportunity for me.

Well, I went to the party, and within minutes, I realized dating her wasn't an option. We wouldn't mesh at all. She's too lively, too much of a partier for me. That's fine... my hopes really weren't that high anyway. Then, she mentioned, "Oh, Mike, I ran into your ex a little while ago."

Oh great, I'm thinking. Just what I wanted to hear about. Apparently, she ran into her at a restaraunt. She was with her boyfriend, who she's been seeing for quite a long time now. If the wound from my breakup didn't hurt enough, she made sure to throw a whole freaking pile of salt into it. Now, for the last few days, all I can think about is who this guy is, and if there's any way on earth she can possibly (and I hate to even say it) be in love with him.

It just kills me because I don't understand how one person in a relationship can be absolutely sure they're perfect for each other, while the other person doesn't think even close to the same way. It's one thing if the relationship was only a year or two. Our relationship was nearly 6 years!!! At the time, it was more than 1/4 of our lives. And it wasn't like we broke up on bad terms. No one cheated. No one lied. No one really did anything to hurt the other that badly. We were still friends... best friends! We still loved each other. If you spent 6 years with someone.... If you planned to marry someone, wouldn't you try to make things work? Wouldn't that person be bound to you in some way or another, especially if you still considered them a great friend?

When I initially asked her to get back together, she was still single. I told her I realized my wrongs. I was dead serious about it. She knew it. She even admitted she still loved me. Why wouldn't you give that a shot then? I never understood that. I never will. What did all that time together mean? 6 years is a long time! The second things got tough, she bolted and never turned back. It makes me question whether she ever really loved me in the first place, or was I simply the only person she thought she could get? After all, I was the first person to really notice how wonderful she was. To everyone else, she was the tiny, smart, innocent asian girl in class. I saw beyond that. I think I made her believe in herself. I made her feel sexy, which then got directed outward to other people. Other people, particularly her law school classmates, started to take notice, then I found myself on the outside looking in.

That's how I always feel, and not just as far as my ex is concerned. I always feel like I'm with the group, but I'm just not really a part of it. I'm sure it's mostly my doing. I just don't know how to connect with people. I get along with everyone. No one really has anything bad to say about me, but at the same time, I'm hardly worth mentioning. I don't stand out in a crowd. If I'm in a room full of a bunch of people, I tend to fade into the background. I don't make good first impressions. In fact, I make incredibly poor first impressions. It takes a long time before someone warms up to me. I know I mumble sometimes when I speak, and no, I'm not the best looking guy in the world. I'm certainly not aging well; My hair is quickly greying, my hairline is starting to recede, and I'm developing wrinkles at 26 years old. I know I don't always say the most friendly things. I'm not big on saying hello or goodbye to people, nor do I make meaningless small talk often. I don't play games. I don't flirt. I refuse to do stupid stuff like that because I feel it's insincere. I feel like most guys put up this big facade when they first meet women, and they try to make themselves out to be better than they really are. I'm not like that at all.

I know I have many redeeming qualities, but they just take a long time for them to come out. I can be pretty funny in a dry, sarcastic way. I'm very smart. I'm socially aware. I can talk intelligently and passionately about deep social and philosophical issues. I listen well. I'm incredibly dependable. I'm trustworthy. I bitch and complain about a lot of stupid little things, and I like to argue for the sake or argument sometimes. However, I'm always there when someone needs me.

I feel like I'm better than most guys in this regard, but those aren't things that are readily apparent in a person. You have to take the time, observe, and get to know them before you realize those things. That's why relationships take so long to develop for me. It's why I can't be with someone always looking to go out and have a good time. I don't know how to wow anyone. That's not my style. I don't have any glitz or glam. I don't wear thousand-dollar watches. I don't drive a BMW. I don't know my way around the local bar and club scene. However, if you spend enough time around me, you'll realize that I can do things and be impressive in ways that most guys can't.

Take the pharmacy for example: If you're only around me for one day, you wouldn't think anything of it. However, when you see me interact with the customers and continually do my job the right way time and time again, you start to get a sense of my dependability. I'm 26 years old, we're a 4 pharmacist store, and I have customers who will only talk to me. One older gentlemen goes out of his way just to speak to me. Sure, it's kind of annoying when he cuts 4 people in line to walk up to the counter and signal me to come help him with something. However, he means well, and he's a really nice man. Sometimes, I'm really busy at work. Sometimes, I'm trying to do 10 things at once, but if someone has a question, I always stop and give them my undivided attention. I never hesitate to step out of the pharmacy and help someone choose an OTC product. On nearly a daily basis, some either thanks me or makes a comment to one of our tech about how nice I was when I was helping them.

I complain all the time, but I keep on doing it because that's the way a pharmacist is supposed to act, and I truly want to help people. I don't take shortcuts. I won't be lazy. I just keep on going. That applies to how I treat all people. If I say I'm going to do something, I always do it. My word is gold. If I do forget something or make a mistake, especially if it was something important, I fess up to it right away. I don't shy away from blame.

Anyway... I got on this long rant, and now I can barely remember how I started all this. Basically, the point is that I feel hopelessly lost because I can never get that opportunity to show my greatest character traits to someone. I don't like to date because dating shows off all my bland traits. I never get anywhere by dating.

Blah... I just have so much on my mind that this would take 30 pages to even scratch the surface. I'm going to quite here.

Oh yeah... On Saturday, I was 169.5 pounds. I ate a lot of crappy food this weekend, but I still lost 1/2 a pound, so I'm still on the right track.

10 comments:

MrHunnybun said...

I feel your pain. I had the same thing happen to me once. It does eventually become less of a problem, but it takes a long time. Someone will scoop you up when you least expect it.

You sound like a great pharmacist.

Anonymous said...

I have been reading your blog for a long time and have been compelled to say something on numerous occasions. I'm finally going to. You need to seek out someone to talk to about truly getting over your ex. It really seems that most of your issues are really somehow realted to her and that you still see no road to true happiness in your life without her. Venting your frustrations and pouring out your heart on a blog may seem to be good therapy but you don't seem to be making any steps forward. I say all of this with the best intent. Please think about this as I have struggled with and conquered similar problems myself.

Anonymous said...

Yea, I agree with anon above. First post is about your ex. Last post is about your ex. You should talk about this to the person you trust the most (your ex doesn't count). You don't see Ginobili still talking about the foul on Nowitzki in the playoffs a couple years ago that screwed over the Spurs.

Pharmacy Mike said...

It's not just my ex. There's a lot of other things going on in my mind that are compounding the issue (I'll give you a hint: One of those things has to do with escalating gas and oil prices).

Relating things to basketball though is certainly good for me though. Ginobili is pretty nasty. I've always been a Ray Allen fan myself, so right now, I'm a Celtics fan until Ray goes to another team.

IAPhrmr said...

Hey man, I know how you feel, happened to me a few years ago while I was in school. I had a couple good friends that let me talk to them and the helped me out tremendously. Find someone to help you through that can be your friend (professional or not). C'mon up to boston we can have a beer and catch a game!

Lucky D said...

I don't have any words of wisdom or sage advice. I just wanted to let you know that I'm sorry you're feeling this way and that I wish I could do or say something to make you feel better.

If I can help, you know where to find me.

pharmacy chick said...

Mike
you say something very telling "I make terrible first impressions". Thats a problem only you can fix. Its no secret that first impressions will determine if somebody is going to make the effort to see you a second time. If you come across as a sullen sarcastic prick (not that you are mind you), its gonna take a lot of effort to dismantle that first impression and rebuild the image that you say that you are: a sincere dependable nice guy. To this pharmacist and Carnegie disciple, THIS is where you need to start. You really sound like a nice guy, but you are gonna have to let people see that person early on. Mr Chick was lucky, I gave him that second chance after a truly lousy first impression: I accidentally hit him in the face with a snowball and he told me to F off. Been married to him for 20+years.
Pharmacy Chick

Cindy_CP said...

Mike,

You do sound like a really great guy. You went to the the housewarming party...it was in your apartment complex but you only mentioned the girl that invited you....what about every one else at the party?...did you mingle...meet other women?...other guys?...I think you just need to concentrate on going out and making friends. Stop looking for that one person to spend the rest of your life with. Want to know a secret? It's when you are NOT LOOKING, that you find someone.

I also wanted to tell you great job on the weight loss. I am trying to kickstart some weight loss myself. I have tried diets. They work but when you stop them, you end up gaining them back. I have added 15-30 minutes of exercise every day. I have been cutting my portions down. I have lost 5 pounds in the last 2 weeks. Oh yeah...no snack foods in the pharmacy...just fruit!

Good luck

Heather, CPhT said...

Mike,

It sounds like you're explaining me, only a male version of me. I'm barely noticeable. I hate small-talk. I'm not a social flower. I've had several boyfriends who could not see past that....but finally someone found me that gave me those second and third and fourth chances...We're engaged now. And just like the person above said...it was when I wasn't looking for anyone. I almost had my mind set to become a nun!!!

Things will look up. Count on it.

Anonymous said...

Dude....you need a PimpD....I swear to God, no man making 6 figures with all the personal qualities you say you have should be hung up over one girl. Date Man!!! In fact, date her friend...women compete and when she gets word, you might realize you're over her. Talk to other girls just to practice for the opportunity to charm the girl of your dreams. Where are your boys? Someone needs to act as a wingman and introduce you to a friend of a friend. Woman dominate pharmacy and I'm sure you can find at least one who you're attracted too. Somehow you've managed to turn the ex-girlfriend into God when she's apparently moved on. Remember, this "God-girl" was attracted to you at one time, so go get another one. I can tell you suffer from nice-guy syndrome, placing probably every girl you meet on a pedestal. Stop it!!! Her s#** stinks too, so don't treat her like she's your everything. Be the man...like your the man in your pharmacy. I feel bad for you, but snap out it. Consider dating women that you aren't even into. The best revenge is to just be successful and confident in your own life. She'll get word and might even want you back, but by that time, you won't care. Good luck...