Monday, February 11, 2008

For every step I take forward, I seem to take two steps backward

This week marks the one year anniversary of my ex-girlfriend telling me she was finally "unloading her emotional baggage" and moving on. Over the year since, I've really really tried to put things in the past and get on with my life. A couple times I actually thought I had succeeded in doing so. This morning, I find myself right back to where I was a year ago. I freaking hate my life.

Time is supposed to heal my wounds. It's supposed to get easier. It's not. Every morning I wake up, and the pain feels new. It's not pain from a relationship that ended badly. The pain is from the mountains of regret from my part in the whole breakup. There were so many times when I could have saved the relationship. Neither of us wanted it to end. I should never have let it get as far as it did. My words and actions are pretty much the only reason we're not together right now.

She asked me point blank a couple months after our initial breakup, "Is this it? Do you never see us being together again."

I answered, "I just don't feel like I can trust you anymore, and right now, I can't see us being together again."

She paused then said with a quivering voice, "that's sad.... It's really sad."

"Why are you sad? You're the one that broke up with me," I responded.

The whole discussion was bullshit. I still loved her, but I was just being difficult for no reason, which is the fucking stupidest thing you can do when the girl of your dreams is basically trying to tell you she loves you and wants to work things out. The next day, I tried to take back a little of what I said by telling her I was just being a jackass the night before. I thought she understood because I had a history of doing that from time to time. I was wrong.

After that conversation, things went the same as before. We still hung out all the time. We still went out to dinner. We still went to the movies. She still called me every day. I assumed everything was OK between us. I didn't know that she used that conversation as a turning point in her life. That conversation made her believe that I was a lost cause, and she better try her best to move on.

She applied for an internship in Washington DC. She was accepted, which meant she'd have to live in Washington DC for 4 months. The night before she left, I took her out to dinner at the restaurant we had our first date. It was probably the most enjoyable dinner I ever had with her. We had our favorite dishes and ordered a great bottle of wine. We finished our meals and stayed in the restaurant for over an hour later finishing the wine. We talked, laughed, reminisced, and even held hands for a little bit. It all felt so natural as it should have after spending close to 6 years together as a couple.

That night, I wanted her more than any time in our relationship. However, I knew she'd be going away the next day, so the timing was just horrible. I dropped her off at her house and drove away.

That night, she wrote me a long email telling me that she still loved me and wished she didn't have to go to Washington. She laid it all out there for me telling me about how she wanted to move on, but couldn't. She told me how she valued our relationship more than anything and hoped that someday we'd be able to work things out.

I never responded to the email. Well, at least not right away. I actually let it sit in my inbox for 3 months before finally figuring out what I wanted to say to her. By that time, it was too late. See, she had taken the internship in Washington DC in an attempt to get away from me and her past. Right before she left, she realized that she didn't want to run away from me anymore, but she was already committed to going. She sent me that last email to see if I felt the same as her. I never responded. I broke her heart. She moved on from me forever.

Three months later, something finally clicked in my head, and I realized what I was losing. By that time it was too late. She had already started seeing other people. I hurt her too badly for her to come back to me. She committed to going in a new direction. I had thrown away the greatest thing that ever happened to me.

That's why this is just so damn hard for me to cope with. If she just didn't love me anymore, I could handle it. If we simply grew apart, I'd accept it. However, I simply cannot accept the fact that we should be together right now, but the only reason we're not is because of my own stupidity. All I had to do was tell her how I felt. After 6 years together, it shouldn't have been that hard. I don't know why I didn't. I really have no explanation. Maybe she hurt my pride when she initially broke up with me. Maybe it was out of spite. It most certainly was because I never in a million years thought she'd actually leave me for good.

Now I'm here, a year later, typing my sob story to the virtual masses because I literally don't have any other outlet. I'm trying to make sense in all of this and figure out where I should go from here, but nothing has changed since last February. I haven't seen her in over a year. She still sends me the occasional short email to say hi. We don't talk about the past anymore. We don't mention our personal lives. I don't know if she's dating anyone now. I'm afraid to ask anyone. In fact, I know it's best for me if I don't know.

She's going to be retaking the Bar exam in July (she failed it in 2 states the first time). She's taking a bar exam in another state first. If she passes that, she'll likely move to that new state to get a job there. This complicates things for me. I'd really like to follow my heart and make one last attempt to pour out my soul to her. However, she knows that she's likely to be moving away soon, and I think even if she'd like to perhaps try to start over again, she wouldn't allow herself.

The heart is just an inexplicable thing. I wish I could just choose to stop feeling this way. I don't want to be in love with her anymore. It's almost too painful to stand. However, the heart just doesn't work that way. It has a will of its own, and right now, mine is tied to her. I don't know what I'm going to do. I guess my only plan right now is to keep surviving. Against all odds, I keep a glimmer of hope that we'll find each other somehow, some way, in the future. That glimmer of hope is just about all I have left. It's the reason I keep trudging along day after day.


Anonymous said...

Try one more time. I think that part of the reason I divorced my ex is because he wasn't willing to try and fight for what we had. That is what hurt me the most. If he had just tried one more time it may have made a difference. I would have a loving husband, the boys would be more stable and I wouldn't be alone everynight wondering why I'm alone everynight.

Pharmacy Mike said...

I've tried twice. The second time, she basically told me that she made up her mind, and if I keep pursuing it, she'd cut me off and never speak to me ever again.

Therefore, I'm afraid of pushing too hard and forcing her farther away. I'm trying to think of some way to make it seem more natural, but I'm running out of time. Besides, other than our past, we don't have anything that ties us together (i.e. kids). In some ways, it doesn't make a whole lot of sense for her to come back because we don't fit into each others lives like we used to. She wants to be a big city lawyer. I'm a small town pharmacist.

I'd move to the end of the world for her, but I'm pretty she she thinks it shouldn't have to be that hard. Afterall, she can probably find some lawyer guy that would be a better fit for her desired lifestyle.

However, that guy might make more sense, but he'll never love her like I do, and no matter what she says, she'll never have that same connection with someone else that she had with me. Afterall, we pretty much grew up together. We knew each other when we were young, and you can't underestimate how important that is.

FuturePharmer said...

If it was me, I'd just send her a link to this blog entry. Let her know you are not trying to push her away, but you thought she needed to see how you still felt.

Anonymous said...

When I saw the title of this post, the first thing I thought of was Paula Abdul's song "Opposites Attract".

The second thing I thought was "Mike hooked up with Betty"

Sorry, Dude. I thought you could use a laugh.

Anonymous said...

Maybe on some level (as hard as it is to believe) you wanted the relationship to end. Otherwise, why would you have acted that way?

Pharmacy Mike said...

Because I'm an idiot. Because I never thought she'd actually leave for good after 6 years together. Maybe because she never told me that she wanted to leave me for good. Maybe because I was hurt that she initially broke up with me, and I wanted to lash out in some way.

On no level did I want that relationship to end... which is why I regret all the stupid things I said to her.

Anonymous said...

I'm in her exact position right now. She may still love you, but once her faith and trust in you fades, it's hard to get that back again.

It's always worth trying, though.

Ariel said...

I know how difficult it is to end a relationship. Yes, even ones you don't want to end. I ended things with my boyfriend just over a year ago now, and I still think of him. On the flip side, I've put up with heartache by not breaking up with someone when he was treating me poorly. Maybe you should do what the other poster suggested....send your ex this blog and see how she responds.

Pharmacy Mike said...

We've had this conversation in the past... several times. I honestly don't think she wants to revisit it.

What I'm hoping for is that we'll somehow cross paths one day, and I can slowly bring her back to me. Dumping all this stuff on her at one time, especially after such a long time, will only scare her away... at least that's what I think.

Trust me though... she knows how I feel. I made it abundantly clear to her a year ago. I've told her everything that I've written down here, and she still turned me away. Every logical notion I have tells me that it's completely over, and I need to just forget about it. However, I want so desperately to believe that if I really want something bad enough, it'll come true for me.

As stupid as it sounds (because I'm not religious at all, and I don't believe in predestination), I believe we were meant for each other. If we truly were meant for each other, we'll find each other again some how, some way.

Every day I check my email just hoping that I'll find a long email from her telling me that she tried as hard as she could to forget about me but ultimately couldn't. Every time my phone rings, I hope it's her telling me that she wants to talk to me as soon as possible. I swear that if I got that phone call in the middle of work, I'd walk straight out of the pharmacy to meet her.

All I know is that I'll never ever make those same mistakes again. I'll never value anything more than her... not my job, not my friends, not basketball, not even myself. I just need the chance to prove it to her.

Anonymous said...

Stop blaming yourself. As someone who has dated an ice queen or two, I see nothing but red flags with this situation. Sounds to me like she's stringing you along, making sure you're always there waiting in the wings while she goes out and tests the waters in her new life. If things in the big city work out for her, great, if not, well her little friend will always take her back.

You have a lot going for you. Go out and find someone who doesn't play these games. You being with someone who actually appreciates you may be the only way to make her want to take you back. Problem for her is, you'll be a little wiser by then.

susan said...

It seems like you think being in this relationship will solve all your problems. However, you can't expect one person to be everything to you. You can't expect a relationship to give meaning to your life....only you can do that. It's the same thing when people are obsessed with their jobs and have no personal life. They expect their jobs to give their life meaning. It's too much pressure to put on a job or on any one person to be your everything.
Maybe what love comes down to is just wanting the person you love to be happy. When you start needing the person to give meaning to your life, it's more of a selfish kind of love.

Anonymous said...

Grow some balls, stop following ur head & follow ur heart! Ur job isn't everything and life's too short 2 regret.....if u want something that u know was good 4 u don't give it up because you're scared. It's now or never!

Anonymous said...

I feel so bad for you. you need to learn how to move on and not live in the past. You are only feeling this way because you haven't found anyone yet. If you want to be with your ex that bad, call her. Go out and date, don't just sit around and feel sorry for yourself. Life is too short man.

Anonymous said...

Forget her. Move on. There's plentyof fish in the sea.

She BROKE up with you because she couldn't wait for you..remember?
Now that she's failed her BAR exam twice and you're working as a Pharmacist..obviously getting paid well, she wants her sugar-daddy back.

Once you're taking care of her and she passes the Bar, she will dump you and go for someone else.

Pharmacy Mike said...

She doesn't want me back.

Anonymous said...

Do not accept her e-mails. Do not make contact with her. I agree with the other anonymous poster that she's stringing you along, checking in now and then to make sure she still has her hook in you, and when she's satisfied that she does, she tells YOU (!) to back off. Fuck that. It's OVER. Don't ask about her, don't take her calls, and if she tries that shit again you tell her that it's OVER, and you don't see the point, and then say, emphatically, "Gotta go" and HANG UP the phone, then go play some basketball with your friends. This is a manipulative woman, and if she'd been any good, she'd have hung on to you, but she didn't, so let her go and be less pathetic.

Corrinne said...

This is old and after this post you said you had moved on because you realized she had changed and was not the same person. I am glad you have moved on (hopefully you really did)

But use this as a learning experience. I have dated men who have told me one minute I was their everything and then we would fight and they would say they wanted to break up and didn't want to be with me anymore. Then they would later say they were still in love with me.

It might be a hard habit to break, but I know I felt completely insecure. I was never sure which one he meant. I never knew if he wanted to be with me or really didn't. It crushes someone's self esteem.

I'm not trying to give you a guilt trip, just her point of view. You will find someone, when you least expect it, when you aren't looking. Cheer up =)