For the past 2 weeks, I've been wrestling with the thought of whether it's OK to keep some parts of your life separate from your significant other. I guess I've hit the point where I need some advice, so it's finally making it's way to a blog post.
To cut straight to the point: My girlfriend doesn't know I write this blog. She has no idea that I'm Pharmacy Mike or that Pharmacy Mike even exists. This blog has been a window into the inner workings of my mind. Therefore, in order to truly understand me, one would have to read my blog.
It's sad, but my readers know me better than my girlfriend does. My question is whether that's OK? If I'm in a committed relationship with this girl that someday might end up in marriage, am I obligated to tell her about this blog? Does she need to know?
Whether she needs to know or not is really the crux of my pondering. Do committed couples have to share every last details of their lives together? Should they be privy to their significant other's every thought and feeling? Or are there somethings that can be kept private in order to spare feelings?
I used to think that every person needs a little bit of privacy, but now I'm not so sure. It's not exactly like I'm overtly hiding anything from her. I've just never been comfortable divulging every thought that pops into my head. I usually don't speak without carefully considering the consequences of every word I might say. Moreover, every action I take is done so after great deliberation. Nothing I say or do is spontaneous. Nothing is unplanned.
I may say and do all the right things in this relationship, but sometimes I feel that I'm not being genuine. While it may not necessarily change my eventual action, I feel that the action is somehow less important than the inner monologue that leads up to that action. Without letting her in on what I'm thinking, I'm keeping her at an arm's distance. A big part of me thinks she deserves more honesty than that.
However, another part of me thinks that a lot of my thoughts and actions could be misinterpreted. For example, even though she knows about my ex-girlfriend and the basics about what happened, she doesn't quite understand the depth of my despair and how it took 4 years to be OK with everything that happened. Does she need to know that stuff?
I question where our relationship is heading, and what the next step will be. It bothers me that despite being together for almost a year now, she still has no plans or desire to move in with me any time in the near future. Moreover, even if we wanted to live together, I struggle with the logistics of our jobs being over an hour apart. I feel like we're both waiting for the "right time," but what if we never find the right time. Then we have to go and make the time.
I see that as a potential problem because I'm pretty much settled where I am. I own a condo and have a high paying job. Rationally, if one of us were to move, it shouldn't be me. However, how can I ask her to move here and be an hour away from work? Even though she doesn't really like her job and would like to find a new one, in this economy, how could I expect her to leave her job without another one lined up?
I have so many questions and concerns, but I feel like bringing them up will rock the boat and possibly ruin a good thing. Therefore, they remain mostly as an inner narrative. I act as positive as I can in order to mask my doubts. I do this to protect both of us, but am I actually doing more harm than good?
See, this blog is just one of the many things I keep to myself. Should I open up and share my innermost thoughts with this girl, or is it fine and maybe even normal to keep some things to myself? If I were to open up, I think it would make sense to let her know about this blog first. Of course, that brings to light a lot of things about my past that she'd probably rather not read. However, those things are part of who I am, and it would be nice to no longer have to hide from them. It could be liberating.
My question to my readers is simple: Should I let her know about this blog, or can I keep it to myself?