This was originally intended to be a pharmacy blog, but it has morphed into a diary of my thoughts and feelings that I don't tell anyone else. Since it's anonymous, it's pretty much the perfect place to just get things out without too much worry. In this post, I'm going to open up a bit more than I ever have before.
I'm hurting... bad. It's been a sudden onset thing. It's something that I didn't really expect. Nothing really brought it on. It just hit me like a ton of bricks. I'm anxious. I'm restless. I'm just not in a good place right now.
Basically, I'm horribly lonely. I have friends, but they're not like me. They don't value the same things. They don't like the same things. Even my best friends that I grew up with really are more acquaintances than close companions. I developed those friendships because I was a good basketball player, and that made me acceptable to the "cool" kids in school. The problem is that I was never a cool kid. I'm one of the nerds (even though I never studied). I like books. I like science. I like to have philosophical discussions. I like debating current issues. Basically, I like using my mind, whereas my friends just aren't at that same level as me. I'm not a partier. I don't go to clubs. I drink, but I don't really enjoy it. I do it because I have nothing better to do, and going to the bar is really the only social activity I do these days.
I don't have the "skill" to pick up girls at a bar, and quite frankly, I have no desire to. While most of my friends (and let's face it, most guys in general) look for a good looking girl and hope her personality is acceptable. I'm the exact opposite. I look first and foremost for personality and intelligence. I just hope that the smart girl with the great personality is a cute one. For me, a girl who I don't really pick out as being particularly cute when I first me her can become really attractive if I like her personality.
That's the way it was with my ex. She doesn't jump out at someone as being hot. She was really small (4'10" 82 lbs). Her teeth weren't really straight, and her face isn't beautiful. I mean, she's not unattractive. No one would say she's ugly. She just doesn't jump out at you. However, after becoming friends with her and really getting to know her, she just became unbelievably sexy to me.
I'm just dying to have a connection with someone. I've been single for 2 years now, and for that entire 2 years, I wanted to get back with my ex. I still do. I still love her. No question about it. I also know that it's over for good. There is no going back. She doesn't want what I want. We've been through it dozens of times. She was adamant about it. It hurts. I can mask it for a while, but it always stays right under the surface, and the slightest little event can bring it out.
I went to a wedding last saturday and spent the entire night miserable. I was miserable for so many reasons. First, the last time I went to a wedding, I was still with her. Secondly, I saw the bride and groom and wished I could find someone to love and who'll love me that much. Third, I saw my friends dancing, smiling, and having a good time and wondered what stops me from being that way. A bunch of us got a hotel room to party at after the reception was over, but I left early. I just had to get away from there.
I don't want to be desperate, but I almost am. I have options now. I know a girl who likes me a lot. She's a pharmacist that's about the same age as me. There's a lot of things we have in common, and since she's a pharmacist that works for the same company as me, we have a lot of things to talk about. Overall, she's not my type though. She's very religious, and I'm about as far from that as possible without being disrespectful to others. She can be pretty annoying too. Despite the incompatibility, I'm seriously considering asking her out. I just feel such an overwhelming need for a companion right now that I'm just about ready to take any opportunity that comes my way.
I resubscribed to eHarmony. A lot of people don't like the way eHarmony does it's matching. They think the people on the site are too conservative. Well, you know what? I'm conservative... not in my political views, but in the way I go about doing things. I'm a simple guy who's idea of a fun time is dinner and a movie. I don't want to meet a million people. I'm not looking for someone to hook up with. I'm looking for someone I could potentially have a long term relationship with. That's just who I am. I'm just a nice guy. I'm quiet, reserved, non-confrontational, respectful, fiercely loyal, honest, and all those other nice guy things.
All I know is that I can't just sit around hoping that someday my ex will miraculously come back. It's not going to happen, and the longer I wait and hold on to that last sliver of hope, the more miserable I will be. I haven't made any effort to meet anyone in the last 2 years. I keep thinking that I'm young, and I have plenty of time to find someone and settle down. However, one by one my friends and coworkers of similar age are getting married, and I realize that I don't want to wait until my mid 30's to get married and start a family.
Therefore, starting today I'm at least going to forget whatever embarrassment I feel from online dating and just give it a chance. I really don't have any other way to meet someone, and I don't want to be lonely anymore. I'll think of this as an investment in my own happiness.
One thing is for sure, I can't keep going through life like I have been for much longer.