Friday, June 29, 2007

Lonely Times

This post will pretty much have nothing to do with pharmacy. No one is reading any way, so it's not like I have expectations to meet.


I mentioned in my first post that I haven't been in a relationship since I broke up with my longtime girlfriend nearly 2 years ago. To make it clear, I did not break up with her. She broke up with me. However, the breakup was more of a step back to try to figure things out than a clean split. We remained very very close friends for a year after the breakup. We still hung out together often, and we talked on the phone nearly every day. We loved each other, but we were in different places in life, so we couldn't make a real relationship work.

I just assumed that once things settled down for the 2 of us, we'd get back together. I never wanted to leave her completely. I didn't even attempt to date anyone else. I wasn't in the market for a new girl. I just wanted to finish pharmacy school, get licensed, and then once all that was squared away, turn my attention back to her and us.

Unbeknownst to me, she had different views. While she initially wanted to get back together with me, I guess the process took too long. She decided that she had to move on, so she started dating other guys. I never knew about this. All I knew was that she was calling me every night, and we'd still go out to dinner and to the movies all the time. She never told me she was seeing other people until last November. When I found out, I went into panic mode because I realized for the first time that I might really lose her. I told her that I still loved her and wanted to be with her again, but she told me she no longer felt that way. I was crushed.

We remained friends for another couple of months. Then, in January, she sort of fell out of contact with me for a little while. After a week of not hearing from her, she sent me an email telling me that she was unloading her emotional baggage and was now seeing someone. I begged and pleaded with her to give us another chance, but she flat-out refused it. I was so heart broken that I wanted to die. I was going to marry this girl. We talked about marriage all the time. We were together for nearly 6 years. My life was so intertwined with her's that I couldn't possibly imagine living without her.

Fast forward to today.... It's been over 6 months since I've seen her. I don't sit around all day crying like I did for the first couple of weeks. Instead, I feel numb inside. I loved her with every bit of my heart, and now that she's gone, I've lost a bit of myself. That's something I can never get back. Even if I do meet someone else, it will never be the same, and I'll never be able to truly love again because my heart is still with her.

I'm sorry if this sounds sappy. I know that most people reading this are thinking, "Man, why don't you grow a pair?" Well, I wish it was that easy. On most days, I'm OK with it. On most days, I think there's hope for me in the future. However, every once in a while, something will trigger me to think about her. Then, when I think about her, I always end up picturing her with that other guy, and it drives me crazy. Some other guy is taking her to dinner. Some other guy is talking to her on the phone. Some other guy is getting her affection. Some other guy is having sex with her. Maybe the worst part is that she's out there doing these things with another guy. While I'm sitting her on a Friday night checking my email and my cellphone every 30 seconds to see if someone, ANYONE acknowledged my existence, she's out with her new guy and enjoying every second of it.

There are a lot of things I'm very confident about. I'm extremely confident that I'm smarter (or at the very least as smart) than anyone I've ever met. I'm confident in my knowledge that I'm a good and decent human being. I know that I treat everyone with respect, and I also know that my demeaner and professionalism command respect from others.

One thing I'm not at all confident in is my ability to be a good boyfriend. I always loved her, and I treated her well, but I made our relationship more difficult than it had to be. I never thought the little things mattered, so I didn't make an effort to buy flowers or shower her with gifts. We never went anywhere or did anything exciting. A huge part of it was that I was broke when I was in pharmacy school. Now, that I'm out of school and making the big bucks, I want to go out and do things with her that we never had the chance to do before. However, she wouldn't give me that chance. Now, she could be out doing all those things with someone else and thinking to herself, "Wow... I never realized what a crappy boyfriend Mr. RPh was until I met John (not the actual name)." Being a competitive person, I want to prove to her that I'm more of a man than that guy, but I can't, and it eats at me.

That brings me to where I am now. I feel like the loneliest guy on the planet. I sit alone in a one bedroom apartment all day on my days off. No one ever calls me. I don't really have anyone to call. I have nowhere to go, nothing to do. I make all this money, and I have nothing to do with it. Life sucks for me now. I'm trying to come up with a way to make life more meaningful, and I figure a blog like this could sort of give me some direction. I'm hoping that I'll eventually develop a following of readers (my hopes aren't all that high though).

I'm starting to lose my chain of thought. I promise my next post will be geared towards pharmacy or the news in some way. I just had to get this out of the way.


DrugMonkey said...

This one does get better.

You can't force it.

You can't accelerate it.

You won't have any control over it.

But one day, all the sudden, for no apparent reason, you'll wake up and realize you don't care anymore if she has fallen off a cliff, and it's the best feeling in the world. Trust me on this.

You main challenge at this point is to not kill yourself until it happens. I would suggest passing time by reading up on entry requirements to other careers.

greensunflower said...

First: I added you to bloglines, so you have one reader:)

Break ups suck because there is nothing but time to heal it. And then when you think it is healed, you will realize there is some sensitive scare tissue there, to be careful with, but eventually that will toughen up too and you will be able to move on.

It is hard to imagine that someone else could make you feel just as good, or complement your person as she did. Personally I believe there is no "the one" but rather a select group of people in this world that could make us happy, could be a great partner, and fulfill us in ways we never imagined.

And also, I personally have always found that dating indiscriminatly and half heartedly always helps me to get over someone. I find going out with different people all the time rather entertaining.

Drugmonkey is right though... it will just take time.