Completely Lost

I don't even know where to begin...

Over the last few days, a whole mess of stuff came together that has left me feeling lost, alone, anxious for the future, and with a feeling that I'm heading hopelessly down a wrong path in life. I get like this from time to time, but this is a lot worse than normal. I can't seem to get a grasp on my emotions in order to pull myself out of it.

I guess I'll run through a laundry list of the stuff that's bothering me. I don't really know what else to do.

Earlier last week, I ran into some girl I went to high school with. She was in my pharmacy when I spotted her, and I went out to talk to her for a few minutes. She's a really friendly person, very cute, effervescent, and very pleasant to be around. She just moved into the same apartment complex as me, and she invited me to a housewarming party she was having on Friday.

I thought this was great. For one, I don't know anyone who lives in my apartment complex, so it was nice to see a familiar face. Secondly, she's a nice girl who I wouldn't mind at all to take go out with her a few times... at least I thought that at first. It's stupid to say, but it sounded like it would be a good opportunity for me.

Well, I went to the party, and within minutes, I realized dating her wasn't an option. We wouldn't mesh at all. She's too lively, too much of a partier for me. That's fine... my hopes really weren't that high anyway. Then, she mentioned, "Oh, Mike, I ran into your ex a little while ago."

Oh great, I'm thinking. Just what I wanted to hear about. Apparently, she ran into her at a restaraunt. She was with her boyfriend, who she's been seeing for quite a long time now. If the wound from my breakup didn't hurt enough, she made sure to throw a whole freaking pile of salt into it. Now, for the last few days, all I can think about is who this guy is, and if there's any way on earth she can possibly (and I hate to even say it) be in love with him.

It just kills me because I don't understand how one person in a relationship can be absolutely sure they're perfect for each other, while the other person doesn't think even close to the same way. It's one thing if the relationship was only a year or two. Our relationship was nearly 6 years!!! At the time, it was more than 1/4 of our lives. And it wasn't like we broke up on bad terms. No one cheated. No one lied. No one really did anything to hurt the other that badly. We were still friends... best friends! We still loved each other. If you spent 6 years with someone.... If you planned to marry someone, wouldn't you try to make things work? Wouldn't that person be bound to you in some way or another, especially if you still considered them a great friend?

When I initially asked her to get back together, she was still single. I told her I realized my wrongs. I was dead serious about it. She knew it. She even admitted she still loved me. Why wouldn't you give that a shot then? I never understood that. I never will. What did all that time together mean? 6 years is a long time! The second things got tough, she bolted and never turned back. It makes me question whether she ever really loved me in the first place, or was I simply the only person she thought she could get? After all, I was the first person to really notice how wonderful she was. To everyone else, she was the tiny, smart, innocent asian girl in class. I saw beyond that. I think I made her believe in herself. I made her feel sexy, which then got directed outward to other people. Other people, particularly her law school classmates, started to take notice, then I found myself on the outside looking in.

That's how I always feel, and not just as far as my ex is concerned. I always feel like I'm with the group, but I'm just not really a part of it. I'm sure it's mostly my doing. I just don't know how to connect with people. I get along with everyone. No one really has anything bad to say about me, but at the same time, I'm hardly worth mentioning. I don't stand out in a crowd. If I'm in a room full of a bunch of people, I tend to fade into the background. I don't make good first impressions. In fact, I make incredibly poor first impressions. It takes a long time before someone warms up to me. I know I mumble sometimes when I speak, and no, I'm not the best looking guy in the world. I'm certainly not aging well; My hair is quickly greying, my hairline is starting to recede, and I'm developing wrinkles at 26 years old. I know I don't always say the most friendly things. I'm not big on saying hello or goodbye to people, nor do I make meaningless small talk often. I don't play games. I don't flirt. I refuse to do stupid stuff like that because I feel it's insincere. I feel like most guys put up this big facade when they first meet women, and they try to make themselves out to be better than they really are. I'm not like that at all.

I know I have many redeeming qualities, but they just take a long time for them to come out. I can be pretty funny in a dry, sarcastic way. I'm very smart. I'm socially aware. I can talk intelligently and passionately about deep social and philosophical issues. I listen well. I'm incredibly dependable. I'm trustworthy. I bitch and complain about a lot of stupid little things, and I like to argue for the sake or argument sometimes. However, I'm always there when someone needs me.

I feel like I'm better than most guys in this regard, but those aren't things that are readily apparent in a person. You have to take the time, observe, and get to know them before you realize those things. That's why relationships take so long to develop for me. It's why I can't be with someone always looking to go out and have a good time. I don't know how to wow anyone. That's not my style. I don't have any glitz or glam. I don't wear thousand-dollar watches. I don't drive a BMW. I don't know my way around the local bar and club scene. However, if you spend enough time around me, you'll realize that I can do things and be impressive in ways that most guys can't.

Take the pharmacy for example: If you're only around me for one day, you wouldn't think anything of it. However, when you see me interact with the customers and continually do my job the right way time and time again, you start to get a sense of my dependability. I'm 26 years old, we're a 4 pharmacist store, and I have customers who will only talk to me. One older gentlemen goes out of his way just to speak to me. Sure, it's kind of annoying when he cuts 4 people in line to walk up to the counter and signal me to come help him with something. However, he means well, and he's a really nice man. Sometimes, I'm really busy at work. Sometimes, I'm trying to do 10 things at once, but if someone has a question, I always stop and give them my undivided attention. I never hesitate to step out of the pharmacy and help someone choose an OTC product. On nearly a daily basis, some either thanks me or makes a comment to one of our tech about how nice I was when I was helping them.

I complain all the time, but I keep on doing it because that's the way a pharmacist is supposed to act, and I truly want to help people. I don't take shortcuts. I won't be lazy. I just keep on going. That applies to how I treat all people. If I say I'm going to do something, I always do it. My word is gold. If I do forget something or make a mistake, especially if it was something important, I fess up to it right away. I don't shy away from blame.

Anyway... I got on this long rant, and now I can barely remember how I started all this. Basically, the point is that I feel hopelessly lost because I can never get that opportunity to show my greatest character traits to someone. I don't like to date because dating shows off all my bland traits. I never get anywhere by dating.

Blah... I just have so much on my mind that this would take 30 pages to even scratch the surface. I'm going to quite here.

Oh yeah... On Saturday, I was 169.5 pounds. I ate a lot of crappy food this weekend, but I still lost 1/2 a pound, so I'm still on the right track.