Perhaps, I'm still reeling from my horrible Saturday, but all I know is that I've been really stressed out at work lately. We haven't been any busier than usual. There haven't been a lot of problems or asshole customers. I'm just feeling worn out.
On Tuesday, I hardly said a word to anyone all day. Normally, I joke around with my coworkers and talk about sports or whatever else comes up. On Tuesday, I just wanted to be left alone.
Really, I think some of it is the constant stream of questions that our clerks ask us. They can't seem to do anything on their own, and it's really hard to have to hold their hands while trying to do my own job. I just wish they'd start catching onto a few things that they should know how to do.
Ideally, I'd love to personally train each and every one of them. However, I can't do that and work at the same time. It becomes too overwhelming, for me at least. I feel pressure to do everything quickly because I hate falling behind. Therefore, whenever a question comes up, I tend to just go over there and resolve it as quickly as possible instead of taking the time to teach them.
Part of the problem is that most of our clerks just do not catch on quickly to anything. I must have walked on of them through the same thing 10 times, and she still asks me how to do it every time the situation comes up. I feel like screaming to her, "HOW DO YOU STILL NOT GET THIS???" But, I'm sure that wouldn't go over very well.
Another source of stress is just the general interactions I have with my coworkers. When I'm just joking around and busting balls, I'm fine. However, I hate seemingly simple and harmless questions like, "What did you do on your day off?" or "How was your weekend?" I hate those questions because my answer is always the same. "I didn't do anything. I just sat around all day."
Generally (as one can discern from reading this blog), I have nothing worthwhile to do when I'm not working. I haven't been on a date since August. Other than a couple parties, I haven't done much of anything.
Moreover, I hate talking about my personal life. I still haven't met the eHarmony girl yet (although that's probably going to change very soon), but even when I do, and even if it goes incredibly well, I don't want to talk about it. That's always been my way. I hate discussing the things I do on my own time with people who aren't very close friends. I don't like explaining my actions. I don't like giving details. I generally don't want people to know what I think. When I started dating my ex, I didn't admit it to my friends until a few months later (even though they all knew).
I'm not sure why, but I always hold back. Sunday was the last day for one of the girls who worked in our pharmacy for close to a year. She was a really nice girl. I liked working with her a lot. In fact, her pleasant personality kind of made my day many times. However, I could hardly muster up a smile to say goodbye. I didn't want her to know that I cared one bit whether she left or not. That's so stupid because it makes me look like I'm cold hearted, but that can't be further from the truth. I just have a hard time showing and expressing my feelings. The truth is, I'll miss working with her. I wish she didn't have to get another job. I just couldn't express this. I don't really know why. I guess it just feels weird to me.
It's a continual conflict between what's really in my mind and how I actually act. I firmly believe that my true self is this gregarious, super-friendly, thoughtful person who likes to laugh and talk about all sorts of things. However, all anyone ever sees of me is a quiet, reserved, super-serious, and (at times) cold hearted person. I hate that I act like that. I want to let go and just be myself, but I'm so inhibited that it makes it impossible. My inhibitions are so deep set that not even tons of alcohol can cause me to lower them.
These inhibitions have prevented me from reaching the kind of success I should have had in all areas of my life. I always look at basketball as a microcosm of my whole life. Through countless hours of practice I had developed more skills than probably any player who ever came out of my town. Hell, when I was in middle school, I was probably the most gifted ballhandler of any person my age in the entire world. I religiously watched and practiced the drills in the Pistol Pete's Homework Basketball videos. By 8th grade, I had mastered just about all of Pete Maravich's ballhandling drills. I could throw perfect full court behind the back passes. In the open court, I could dribble the ball so well that I was just about unstoppable. I could dribble with either hand faster than just about any other kid my age could run.
As I've stated in a previous post though, I was never a star. I had a few great games. I made for some memorable moments. I drew oohs and ahhs from some coaches and spectators. However, it was always the same story with me...
"He's such a good dribbler and shooter, but he needs to look to score more."
"Mike, you need to shoot more. Stop passing up open shots."
"There's no reason you shouldn't be taking at least 15 shots per game."
"Mike, you need to play with more confidence. Don't worry about missing a few shots."
If any other person possessed the basketball skills I had, they would have DOMINATED everyone. I was afraid to use all of them. I had a million different kind of shots that I could take, and I made them a billion times shooting around in my yard, but I would never take them in games because I felt they were unorthodox. I could have gotten a shot off anytime I wanted to, but I barely shot the ball 10 times per game.
It's just an example of me holding back my true self. I was afraid of how good I could be, so I never allowed myself to be great. That's how my life is. I'm a great and fun person, but I'm afraid to show it.
I have no answers for this, and this long blog entry probably isn't going to provide any either.
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7 comments:
I feel your dog. I have a theory on your predicament. I tend to have it also. Could it be that you are a nice, caring person and after working with the public for years, you can't give yourself to anyone else because it hurts. It hurts when you put time and caring into a person then to have them change pharmacies, don't pay their bill, they die, treat you like shit or the insurance backs you into a corner that does not allow you to do what you feel you must do. They should call it post-pharmacy-stress disorder. Don't feel like you are alone. I am in the same place. I do nothing but sleep and work, maybe some laundry here and there. I don't know any other words to make it better-just keep movin'.
It's not the public. I really have no problem dealing with our customers. Maybe that's because I'm fortunate enough to work in a nice, middle class, suburban town. We have some people who are major pains in the ass, but most don't bother me at all.
The problem is all in my head... maybe I just need a girl. Who knows?
I just wanted to say I love your blog I am a pharmacy tech & feel your pain, most of your experiences ring true to me, keep writing !
I like your honesty, Mike. I can relate with some of the things going on in your head. No real advice, though. I do not like to share a lot of my inner person to people I work with.. I guess since people you work with can be so litigious, I'd just prefer they be on a need to know basis or something.
I think being in a relationship is kinda overrated. I mean,yeah it's nice to have someone, but just think of all the crap that goes on in relationships. Is it worth it? I hate how society pressures people to find someone. It's like single people aren't complete until they find someone. Also, if after a certain age one is single, one is assumed to be either gay, or have a serious personality defect. Why can't being single in this society be okay? Why can't someone just enjoy their own company? In fact, I wonder how many of us would get married if parents/friends/society didn't pressure us into doing so. Marriage is almost the easy way out in the sense that people do it because it's expected of them. It's just what people do. I mean it's hard being single and dealing with the crap that goes along with it: people trying to set you up, asking why your single, what's wrong with you, etc.
Basically what I'm saying is not to feel bad about being single. I love this quote, "The most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you find someone to love the you you love, well, that's just fabulous."
Thank you Susan,
I often think the same thing. People put so much pressure on me to find a girl and have a family. They make it seem like you haven't done anything unless you're married or have a significant other.
Let me say that I do want to be in a relationship. I want to have a girlfriend and get married someday. However, I'm not going to just pick someone desperately. If I can't find someone that I think is right for me, then I'll be alone. I'm not getting together with someone simply for the sake of having a relationship.
My ex was someone I thought I would marry. I think of those corny song lyrics "I knew I loved you before I met you." That aptly describes how I felt about her. She was literally everything I had always looked for in a girl. She was quite literally perfect for me.
In the end, it didn't work out, and the most frustrating thing is that it had nothing to do with love. We both loved each other. Hell, I guarantee that she still loves me. I know I still love her. However, she just thought that our lives were heading in such different directions that love wasn't enough to make a relationship work.
It's really hard to listen to the girl you wanted to marry tell you that she loves you more than anything but can no longer be in a relationship with you. It never made much sense to me. It probably never will.
I had many girls who liked me, but I never dated any girl before her, and I haven't seriously dated anyone since her. I will not settle for less than that perfect connection we shared. If that means I stay single for the rest of my life, then that's how it's going to be.
And if that's how it ends up being, I'll continually have to answer stupid questions about why I don't have a girlfriend or why I'm not married.
Damn...what a great blog...I thought I was the only one who felt that way... Did you grow up faster than your peers? Maybe your too scientific, too objective for your own good? Do you have a passion yet? Do you care enough about something (or someone) to chase it? Do you fear failure? Maybe you just don't want the stress that comes with success? Perhaps, it's easier to do just enough, settle, and maintain.
My girl is more emotionally inclined than I and that can help if you care about them... If you don't, then being with them will just magnify your differences... If you choose to be single then at least you're comfortable enough in your own skin to choose that status.
I can only suggest find something your care about...think of the last time you experienced passion for something and ask yourself what actions or thoughts produced it....then recreate it. Otherwise, you'll just coast through life not caring about anything...sad. If all else fails...go put your #$$ on the line somewhere and make a memory. Choose a cause...Be mentor...Do something that makes you nervous....
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