This week marks the one year anniversary of my ex-girlfriend telling me she was finally "unloading her emotional baggage" and moving on. Over the year since, I've really really tried to put things in the past and get on with my life. A couple times I actually thought I had succeeded in doing so. This morning, I find myself right back to where I was a year ago. I freaking hate my life.
Time is supposed to heal my wounds. It's supposed to get easier. It's not. Every morning I wake up, and the pain feels new. It's not pain from a relationship that ended badly. The pain is from the mountains of regret from my part in the whole breakup. There were so many times when I could have saved the relationship. Neither of us wanted it to end. I should never have let it get as far as it did. My words and actions are pretty much the only reason we're not together right now.
She asked me point blank a couple months after our initial breakup, "Is this it? Do you never see us being together again."
I answered, "I just don't feel like I can trust you anymore, and right now, I can't see us being together again."
She paused then said with a quivering voice, "that's sad.... It's really sad."
"Why are you sad? You're the one that broke up with me," I responded.
The whole discussion was bullshit. I still loved her, but I was just being difficult for no reason, which is the fucking stupidest thing you can do when the girl of your dreams is basically trying to tell you she loves you and wants to work things out. The next day, I tried to take back a little of what I said by telling her I was just being a jackass the night before. I thought she understood because I had a history of doing that from time to time. I was wrong.
After that conversation, things went the same as before. We still hung out all the time. We still went out to dinner. We still went to the movies. She still called me every day. I assumed everything was OK between us. I didn't know that she used that conversation as a turning point in her life. That conversation made her believe that I was a lost cause, and she better try her best to move on.
She applied for an internship in Washington DC. She was accepted, which meant she'd have to live in Washington DC for 4 months. The night before she left, I took her out to dinner at the restaurant we had our first date. It was probably the most enjoyable dinner I ever had with her. We had our favorite dishes and ordered a great bottle of wine. We finished our meals and stayed in the restaurant for over an hour later finishing the wine. We talked, laughed, reminisced, and even held hands for a little bit. It all felt so natural as it should have after spending close to 6 years together as a couple.
That night, I wanted her more than any time in our relationship. However, I knew she'd be going away the next day, so the timing was just horrible. I dropped her off at her house and drove away.
That night, she wrote me a long email telling me that she still loved me and wished she didn't have to go to Washington. She laid it all out there for me telling me about how she wanted to move on, but couldn't. She told me how she valued our relationship more than anything and hoped that someday we'd be able to work things out.
I never responded to the email. Well, at least not right away. I actually let it sit in my inbox for 3 months before finally figuring out what I wanted to say to her. By that time, it was too late. See, she had taken the internship in Washington DC in an attempt to get away from me and her past. Right before she left, she realized that she didn't want to run away from me anymore, but she was already committed to going. She sent me that last email to see if I felt the same as her. I never responded. I broke her heart. She moved on from me forever.
Three months later, something finally clicked in my head, and I realized what I was losing. By that time it was too late. She had already started seeing other people. I hurt her too badly for her to come back to me. She committed to going in a new direction. I had thrown away the greatest thing that ever happened to me.
That's why this is just so damn hard for me to cope with. If she just didn't love me anymore, I could handle it. If we simply grew apart, I'd accept it. However, I simply cannot accept the fact that we should be together right now, but the only reason we're not is because of my own stupidity. All I had to do was tell her how I felt. After 6 years together, it shouldn't have been that hard. I don't know why I didn't. I really have no explanation. Maybe she hurt my pride when she initially broke up with me. Maybe it was out of spite. It most certainly was because I never in a million years thought she'd actually leave me for good.
Now I'm here, a year later, typing my sob story to the virtual masses because I literally don't have any other outlet. I'm trying to make sense in all of this and figure out where I should go from here, but nothing has changed since last February. I haven't seen her in over a year. She still sends me the occasional short email to say hi. We don't talk about the past anymore. We don't mention our personal lives. I don't know if she's dating anyone now. I'm afraid to ask anyone. In fact, I know it's best for me if I don't know.
She's going to be retaking the Bar exam in July (she failed it in 2 states the first time). She's taking a bar exam in another state first. If she passes that, she'll likely move to that new state to get a job there. This complicates things for me. I'd really like to follow my heart and make one last attempt to pour out my soul to her. However, she knows that she's likely to be moving away soon, and I think even if she'd like to perhaps try to start over again, she wouldn't allow herself.
The heart is just an inexplicable thing. I wish I could just choose to stop feeling this way. I don't want to be in love with her anymore. It's almost too painful to stand. However, the heart just doesn't work that way. It has a will of its own, and right now, mine is tied to her. I don't know what I'm going to do. I guess my only plan right now is to keep surviving. Against all odds, I keep a glimmer of hope that we'll find each other somehow, some way, in the future. That glimmer of hope is just about all I have left. It's the reason I keep trudging along day after day.
Monday, February 11, 2008
Thursday, February 7, 2008
I'm not just a pharmacist...
... I'm also a repair man.
In the last 2 days, I've had to fix all 3 of our laserjet printers. I fixed our fax machine twice, and I figured out a couple of computer glitches I wonder if fixing printers and fax machines is in my job description. Perhaps part of the reason pharmacists' salaries are so high is because we're expected to repair things around the pharmacy as well as fill prescriptions and counsel patients.
I tell you one thing though... Nothing in my job gives me more satisfaction than fixing something that's broken (be it a printer, fax machine, computer, ScriptPro, whatever). I would have so say the second best thing is when our perpetual CII inventory is off, and I'm able to figure out what happened. Both of these instances actually require using problem solving skills, which unfortunately, don't get used a great deal during the normal course of my job.
For example, yesterday, every label that came out of one of our printers had a huge smudge mark right in the middle of it. A couple people couldn't quite figure out what was causing the toner to smudge on the paper. I came over, pulled the printer apart, and realized that a couple warning labels somehow managed to get stuck behind this roller type thing that's between the toner cartridge and the label. After removing the warning stickers, the printer was good as new. I know that sounds simple, but it was kind of fun to take a second to solve that little mystery.
I suppose it's pretty sad that I get more satisfaction out of fixing a printer than I do from counseling a patient or catching a drug interaction. However, I bet if I was fixing printers for a living, I wouldn't have the same opinion.
In other news... I think I'm just going to forget about eHarmony girl. I've talked to her a few times since the last time I posted. I'm not so sure that she's disinterested in me as much as she's just not really looking for a relationship right now. Between working 50+ hours each week and hanging out with her friends, she really doesn't seem like she wants to invest the time for a relationship. Plus, as I said before, I'm starting to realize that we really don't mesh well together.
Honestly, as much as I bitch about being lonely, I'm not sure I'm ready to devote time to a relationship either. I got out of work at 4 today. I had all the time in the world to go and do something, but I was just too tired. I needed the rest of the day to rest. The only days I feel up to doing anything are my 3 days off each week. Even on those days, I don't want to stay out too late because then I'll be tired for work the next day.
I think I'm just destined to be single. I took one shot at love. It was great for the 6 years it lasted, and I still wish there was some way to get her back. Sometimes I think about how I'd react if she just called me out of the blue one day saying she wanted to give us another shot. I'm pretty sure I'd be just about the happiest person alive. You wouldn't be able to knock the smile off my face.
Since this is unlikely to happen and I'm really not willing to change my attitude, I'll probably just be single for the rest of my life. Is there really anything wrong with that?
In the last 2 days, I've had to fix all 3 of our laserjet printers. I fixed our fax machine twice, and I figured out a couple of computer glitches I wonder if fixing printers and fax machines is in my job description. Perhaps part of the reason pharmacists' salaries are so high is because we're expected to repair things around the pharmacy as well as fill prescriptions and counsel patients.
I tell you one thing though... Nothing in my job gives me more satisfaction than fixing something that's broken (be it a printer, fax machine, computer, ScriptPro, whatever). I would have so say the second best thing is when our perpetual CII inventory is off, and I'm able to figure out what happened. Both of these instances actually require using problem solving skills, which unfortunately, don't get used a great deal during the normal course of my job.
For example, yesterday, every label that came out of one of our printers had a huge smudge mark right in the middle of it. A couple people couldn't quite figure out what was causing the toner to smudge on the paper. I came over, pulled the printer apart, and realized that a couple warning labels somehow managed to get stuck behind this roller type thing that's between the toner cartridge and the label. After removing the warning stickers, the printer was good as new. I know that sounds simple, but it was kind of fun to take a second to solve that little mystery.
I suppose it's pretty sad that I get more satisfaction out of fixing a printer than I do from counseling a patient or catching a drug interaction. However, I bet if I was fixing printers for a living, I wouldn't have the same opinion.
In other news... I think I'm just going to forget about eHarmony girl. I've talked to her a few times since the last time I posted. I'm not so sure that she's disinterested in me as much as she's just not really looking for a relationship right now. Between working 50+ hours each week and hanging out with her friends, she really doesn't seem like she wants to invest the time for a relationship. Plus, as I said before, I'm starting to realize that we really don't mesh well together.
Honestly, as much as I bitch about being lonely, I'm not sure I'm ready to devote time to a relationship either. I got out of work at 4 today. I had all the time in the world to go and do something, but I was just too tired. I needed the rest of the day to rest. The only days I feel up to doing anything are my 3 days off each week. Even on those days, I don't want to stay out too late because then I'll be tired for work the next day.
I think I'm just destined to be single. I took one shot at love. It was great for the 6 years it lasted, and I still wish there was some way to get her back. Sometimes I think about how I'd react if she just called me out of the blue one day saying she wanted to give us another shot. I'm pretty sure I'd be just about the happiest person alive. You wouldn't be able to knock the smile off my face.
Since this is unlikely to happen and I'm really not willing to change my attitude, I'll probably just be single for the rest of my life. Is there really anything wrong with that?
Sunday, February 3, 2008
Enjoy being a student
After reading Chris Bronson's latest blog entry about how he feels his social life has taken a hit due to trying to be a student, work, and live on his own all at the same time, I decided that I want to send a message to all the future pharmacists out there.
I am 100% dead serious when I say this: I would give up every dime that I've made over the last 2 years if I could go back to college and be a student all over again. College was the best time of my life, and I honestly can't think of anything in my future that could match it. I got to hang out with my friends all day long. My girlfriend was at school with me, and I got to be with her whenever I wanted. There was no pressure, limited responsibilities, and best of all, I had a sense of hope and optomism for the future.
See, when you're in college (or any school for that matter), you're always striving towards a goal. There's the ultimate goal of graduating and getting a good job, but there's also those little goals that pop up during the week. Maybe you want to get an A on your next test or paper. Maybe you want to do really well during your next intramural contest. Whatever the case, there always seems to be some sort of purpose to your life, and you get to have A LOT of fun while trying to achieve your goals.
Contrast that with my life now... I'm single. I live in a small, one bedroom apartment all by myself. My friends all work and have lives of their own, so I only get to see them once or twice a week. Because I see them so rarely, there's this idea that we have to go out and do something exciting whenever we get together, so we always end up at a bar, club, or some other entertainment venue.
Know what I miss the most about school? Just hanging around my dorm room with my two roommates watching TV and talking about sports or other pointless stuff. I also miss just hanging out at my girlfriend's dorm, sitting on her very uncomfortable futon, trying to tune out her annoying roommate, while watching Friends and the other shows on NBC's "Must See TV." The biggest thrill in the world was deciding to skip the dining hall for one evening and order out.
Life was so simple back then. We didn't need to create excitement for ourselves. We had a nice laid-back lifestyle, and I loved it. Now, I have to hunt for dates, and when I meet someone I feel "compatible" with, I have to figure out a place to go. Moreover, if I actually like the girl and want to go out with her multiple times (i.e. eHarmony girl), I have to rack my brain for date ideas because god forbid we go to a dinner and a movie 2 dates in a row. 4 years ago, the greatest thing in the world was getting the chance to go out to dinner and a movie. Now, it seems like it's not good enough to entertain someone.
I never realized how good I had it until I started working. Even if I thought my job was the greatest job ever, it still sucks to have to put 40 hours per week into it for pretty much the rest of my life. What am I striving for now? In 40 years, I'll be doing the same damn thing as I'm doing right now. I'm a pharmacist. I've met my goal. Now, I suppose the only thing left is to keep trying to be the best pharmacist possible. That's not exciting though. That doesn't fill me with a sense of optomism. It just means I have to keep putting in hours and gaining experience in my profession.
That's the main reason I write this blog. I spend every waking hour looking for meaning in my monotonous life. Perhaps, if I was married like I was supposed to be now, my outlook would be different. I would be enjoying the fruits of my labor with someone that I truly cared about. I'd be looking to buy a house and start a family. Basically, I'd be working towards goals.
Right now, I'm just floating aimlessly, and I feel like I'm under constantly increasing pressure. I have bills to pay, loans to pay off, and at the same time, I feel the precious few years remaining of my youth passing me by. If college was the best time of my life, this is easily the worst time of my life. However, I made twice as much money last year than I made my entire life up to that point. I said in a previous post I wouldn't take a pay cut to make my job better. Well, I WOULD take a pay cut to make my LIFE better. I'd work the shittiest, lowest paying pharmacy job there is if it meant I could have that same sense of contentment I had cuddling with my girlfriend on that uncomfortable futon watching TV.
So back to my original point... If you're a student, be happy being a student. Don't try to rush into adulthood. Just enjoy the rest of your time as a "kid." Afterall, you only get to be a kid for a little over 20 years. You'll have the rest of your life to be an adult.
I am 100% dead serious when I say this: I would give up every dime that I've made over the last 2 years if I could go back to college and be a student all over again. College was the best time of my life, and I honestly can't think of anything in my future that could match it. I got to hang out with my friends all day long. My girlfriend was at school with me, and I got to be with her whenever I wanted. There was no pressure, limited responsibilities, and best of all, I had a sense of hope and optomism for the future.
See, when you're in college (or any school for that matter), you're always striving towards a goal. There's the ultimate goal of graduating and getting a good job, but there's also those little goals that pop up during the week. Maybe you want to get an A on your next test or paper. Maybe you want to do really well during your next intramural contest. Whatever the case, there always seems to be some sort of purpose to your life, and you get to have A LOT of fun while trying to achieve your goals.
Contrast that with my life now... I'm single. I live in a small, one bedroom apartment all by myself. My friends all work and have lives of their own, so I only get to see them once or twice a week. Because I see them so rarely, there's this idea that we have to go out and do something exciting whenever we get together, so we always end up at a bar, club, or some other entertainment venue.
Know what I miss the most about school? Just hanging around my dorm room with my two roommates watching TV and talking about sports or other pointless stuff. I also miss just hanging out at my girlfriend's dorm, sitting on her very uncomfortable futon, trying to tune out her annoying roommate, while watching Friends and the other shows on NBC's "Must See TV." The biggest thrill in the world was deciding to skip the dining hall for one evening and order out.
Life was so simple back then. We didn't need to create excitement for ourselves. We had a nice laid-back lifestyle, and I loved it. Now, I have to hunt for dates, and when I meet someone I feel "compatible" with, I have to figure out a place to go. Moreover, if I actually like the girl and want to go out with her multiple times (i.e. eHarmony girl), I have to rack my brain for date ideas because god forbid we go to a dinner and a movie 2 dates in a row. 4 years ago, the greatest thing in the world was getting the chance to go out to dinner and a movie. Now, it seems like it's not good enough to entertain someone.
I never realized how good I had it until I started working. Even if I thought my job was the greatest job ever, it still sucks to have to put 40 hours per week into it for pretty much the rest of my life. What am I striving for now? In 40 years, I'll be doing the same damn thing as I'm doing right now. I'm a pharmacist. I've met my goal. Now, I suppose the only thing left is to keep trying to be the best pharmacist possible. That's not exciting though. That doesn't fill me with a sense of optomism. It just means I have to keep putting in hours and gaining experience in my profession.
That's the main reason I write this blog. I spend every waking hour looking for meaning in my monotonous life. Perhaps, if I was married like I was supposed to be now, my outlook would be different. I would be enjoying the fruits of my labor with someone that I truly cared about. I'd be looking to buy a house and start a family. Basically, I'd be working towards goals.
Right now, I'm just floating aimlessly, and I feel like I'm under constantly increasing pressure. I have bills to pay, loans to pay off, and at the same time, I feel the precious few years remaining of my youth passing me by. If college was the best time of my life, this is easily the worst time of my life. However, I made twice as much money last year than I made my entire life up to that point. I said in a previous post I wouldn't take a pay cut to make my job better. Well, I WOULD take a pay cut to make my LIFE better. I'd work the shittiest, lowest paying pharmacy job there is if it meant I could have that same sense of contentment I had cuddling with my girlfriend on that uncomfortable futon watching TV.
So back to my original point... If you're a student, be happy being a student. Don't try to rush into adulthood. Just enjoy the rest of your time as a "kid." Afterall, you only get to be a kid for a little over 20 years. You'll have the rest of your life to be an adult.
Wednesday, January 30, 2008
I've never been in a fight
In my entire life, I've never actually physically fought another person (siblings don't count). My parents taught me, and rightfully so, that you should always try to avoid fighting and try to settle disputes in non-violent ways. You can't argue with those words of wisdom. However, I can't help but wonder how I'd fare in an actual fight.
I'm not a big guy. I'm 5'9" and weigh 165 lbs. I'm not particularly strong as far as lifting weights. However, I think I have a surprising amount of practical strength. I'm athletic. I have very quick feet and even faster hands. My hand-eye coordination and reflexes are very good. Therefore, I think I could hold my own in a fight.
I suppose it would depend on the size of the person I was fighting. Anyone my height or shorter, I think I can hold my own. I have a friend who's 6'3" and a ripped 265 lbs. He'd crush me if I was freaking Bruce Lee.
Under most circumstances, I'm entirely non-confrontational. I don't argue with co-workers. I don't fight. I don't like telling people what to do. In fact, I demonstrate almost no leadership skills at all.
Anyway... The point of all this is that I really feel that if my back was against the wall, and I was forced to fight someone or take charge, I'd be great. Forget about the fighting part for the moment. As far as being a leader, I have all the skills necessary to be a good leader (which in pharmacy world would mean being a manager). I know how to organize. I know how to delegate tasks. I know what kind of rules and guidelines I would have in my ideal pharmacy. Most importantly, I know that my ideas would work, and if they don't, I have the intelligence and flexibility to make adjustments until they do work.
The reason I'm not more of a leader is because I'm hesitant to ruffle any feathers. I try to please everyone. That's always been one of my problems. On the bright side, all of my coworkers like me. On the downside, the pharmacy runs less efficiently than it could. I know how to fix our flaws. I just won't do it for fear of makiing people mad.
Alright... I'm running out of steam here. Still no word from eHarmony girl. Oh well... in retrospect, I don't think she was a good match for me anyway. She's pretty, and we have a lot of things in common, but she's not a good match intellectually for me. She's kind of superficial about a lot of things, and she has no appreciation of good film or good literature. Moreover, she has absolutely no interest in politics or world affairs. She's a nice girl. She's caring and knows how to be a good friend. However, I need someone who can challenge me intellectually.
If it turns out she's still interested, fine. If not, no big deal. I've been single for 2.5 years now. I'm pretty used to it by now.
I'm not a big guy. I'm 5'9" and weigh 165 lbs. I'm not particularly strong as far as lifting weights. However, I think I have a surprising amount of practical strength. I'm athletic. I have very quick feet and even faster hands. My hand-eye coordination and reflexes are very good. Therefore, I think I could hold my own in a fight.
I suppose it would depend on the size of the person I was fighting. Anyone my height or shorter, I think I can hold my own. I have a friend who's 6'3" and a ripped 265 lbs. He'd crush me if I was freaking Bruce Lee.
Under most circumstances, I'm entirely non-confrontational. I don't argue with co-workers. I don't fight. I don't like telling people what to do. In fact, I demonstrate almost no leadership skills at all.
Anyway... The point of all this is that I really feel that if my back was against the wall, and I was forced to fight someone or take charge, I'd be great. Forget about the fighting part for the moment. As far as being a leader, I have all the skills necessary to be a good leader (which in pharmacy world would mean being a manager). I know how to organize. I know how to delegate tasks. I know what kind of rules and guidelines I would have in my ideal pharmacy. Most importantly, I know that my ideas would work, and if they don't, I have the intelligence and flexibility to make adjustments until they do work.
The reason I'm not more of a leader is because I'm hesitant to ruffle any feathers. I try to please everyone. That's always been one of my problems. On the bright side, all of my coworkers like me. On the downside, the pharmacy runs less efficiently than it could. I know how to fix our flaws. I just won't do it for fear of makiing people mad.
Alright... I'm running out of steam here. Still no word from eHarmony girl. Oh well... in retrospect, I don't think she was a good match for me anyway. She's pretty, and we have a lot of things in common, but she's not a good match intellectually for me. She's kind of superficial about a lot of things, and she has no appreciation of good film or good literature. Moreover, she has absolutely no interest in politics or world affairs. She's a nice girl. She's caring and knows how to be a good friend. However, I need someone who can challenge me intellectually.
If it turns out she's still interested, fine. If not, no big deal. I've been single for 2.5 years now. I'm pretty used to it by now.
Tuesday, January 29, 2008
Pharmacy Dreams
I'm sure every pharmacist gets dreams like this every once in a while....
This morning, I woke up at 5:00 AM in a panic. I was having a dream that I made an error during my previous workday, and I was just realizing it in the middle of the night.
The error was due to the doctor's poor writing and me being in a rush. The prescription read "Norvasc 10mg, #30, QD." However, I misread the prescription as "Norvasc 10mg, #30, TID." Hours later, I realized that taking Norvasc 3 times a day doesn't make much sense, and this is how I realized I made a mistake.
Of course... This didn't actually happen. It was just a dream. However, it felt so real, and it was so plausible that it made me nervous. I kept trying to tell myself that I know it's just a dream, but being not quite awake yet, my mind wouldn't let go of the belief I made an error. I actually had to open my eyes, roll over, and stare at the ceiling for a little while before I could believe it was all just a dream.
Despite it not actually happening, this does illustrate one of the potential pitfalls of working in retail pharmacy. At times, you can get so caught up in checking individual prescriptions that sometimes you don't stop to ask yourself if the prescription makes sense. You just make sure that the info written on the prescription is what makes it to the label.
For example, yesterday, one of the pharmacists checked 2 prescriptions for the same patient. One was Fluoxetine 40mg, QD, with 2 refills. The other was Lexapro 10mg, QD, with 2 refills. That's obviously a therapeutic duplication as they are both SSRIs. However, the pharmacist (it wasn't me) just checked them and kept on going. Both were filled exactly as the prescription stated. However, no one even thought to question why the patient would be taking both drugs at the same time. (I called the doctor today, and it turns out that he, indeed, meant for the patient to be taking both, but that's besides the point).
I've made 2 significant prescription errors (that I know of) in my time as a pharmacist. Significant errors don't include miscounting tablets, putting the wrong doctor's name, or the wrong amount of refills on a prescription. When I say significant errors, I mean making a mistake on the drug, dose, or directions.
My first error was entirely due to an interruption during the filling process. I was working by myself in an extremely slow store. I got a prescription for Prednisone 20 mg. I typed it incorrectly for Prednisone 10mg. I was about to check the script, but the phone rang. I picked up the phone and spent 5 minutes answering some sort of questions (I can't remember what). During that time, the customer came back to the counter expecting to pick up the finished prescription. By the time I hung up the phone, I forgot that I didn't check the script, and I filled what was on the label. Two minutes after she walked away, I realized I never checked the script, and this is where I realized I made a mistake. I promptly called the patient to tell her I made a mistake, I corrected the prescription, and refunded the patient her money (all $1.XX worth). I felt so bad I was on the verge of tears when I was refunding her money.
My second mistake came on a Saturday at my current store. This occured nearly a year ago. I got a prescription for Avinza 30mg for 60 capsules. I typed the prescription correctly. However, I filled the prescription with Avinza 60mg capsules. Avinza is an extended release Morphine, so this obviously could have been a pretty significant mistake. You never want to mess up a morphine script, and you especially don't want to give too much morphine to a patient. I didn't realize I made the mistake until hours later. At the time, our pharmacy manager got us in the habit of posting all our CII scripts in our perpetual inventory logbook at the end of the day instead of right after filling the script. Therefore, when I went to post the Avinza script, I realized that I filled it incorrectly.
I flipped out. I ran around the pharmacy tearing through the bins to see if it was still there. Unfortunately, the patient picked it up already. Then, I called him, but got no answer. I called one of the other pharmacists (who had 17 years of experience at our store). She told me that it wasn't a big deal because this particular patient had been on Avinza for quite some time. She told me to try him again in a little bit. I did and finally spoke to him. I found out he had already taken a dose, but he felt perfectly fine. Regardless, I told him to come back in, so that I could correct my mistake. Once again, I felt very very bad about the mistake (the customer wasn't mad at all though. He was quite nice about the whole thing).
Those are the only 2 significant errors that I've made that I know of, but I've had to explain other pharmacists' errors to customers, and that's never fun. The customer is mad, and understandably so, that a mistake was made, and they are directing their anger at you. However, you can't tell them it wasn't your fault. You don't want to go and pass the blame on someone else, so all you can do is apologize profusely, refund their money, and hope that this appeases them.
Anyway... I just wanted to write something. Things aren't looking too good with eHarmony girl. She hasn't called or emailed me in a few days. I'm pretty sure I blew it with her. It sucks because I really liked this girl. Looks like I'm back at square one... again.
This morning, I woke up at 5:00 AM in a panic. I was having a dream that I made an error during my previous workday, and I was just realizing it in the middle of the night.
The error was due to the doctor's poor writing and me being in a rush. The prescription read "Norvasc 10mg, #30, QD." However, I misread the prescription as "Norvasc 10mg, #30, TID." Hours later, I realized that taking Norvasc 3 times a day doesn't make much sense, and this is how I realized I made a mistake.
Of course... This didn't actually happen. It was just a dream. However, it felt so real, and it was so plausible that it made me nervous. I kept trying to tell myself that I know it's just a dream, but being not quite awake yet, my mind wouldn't let go of the belief I made an error. I actually had to open my eyes, roll over, and stare at the ceiling for a little while before I could believe it was all just a dream.
Despite it not actually happening, this does illustrate one of the potential pitfalls of working in retail pharmacy. At times, you can get so caught up in checking individual prescriptions that sometimes you don't stop to ask yourself if the prescription makes sense. You just make sure that the info written on the prescription is what makes it to the label.
For example, yesterday, one of the pharmacists checked 2 prescriptions for the same patient. One was Fluoxetine 40mg, QD, with 2 refills. The other was Lexapro 10mg, QD, with 2 refills. That's obviously a therapeutic duplication as they are both SSRIs. However, the pharmacist (it wasn't me) just checked them and kept on going. Both were filled exactly as the prescription stated. However, no one even thought to question why the patient would be taking both drugs at the same time. (I called the doctor today, and it turns out that he, indeed, meant for the patient to be taking both, but that's besides the point).
I've made 2 significant prescription errors (that I know of) in my time as a pharmacist. Significant errors don't include miscounting tablets, putting the wrong doctor's name, or the wrong amount of refills on a prescription. When I say significant errors, I mean making a mistake on the drug, dose, or directions.
My first error was entirely due to an interruption during the filling process. I was working by myself in an extremely slow store. I got a prescription for Prednisone 20 mg. I typed it incorrectly for Prednisone 10mg. I was about to check the script, but the phone rang. I picked up the phone and spent 5 minutes answering some sort of questions (I can't remember what). During that time, the customer came back to the counter expecting to pick up the finished prescription. By the time I hung up the phone, I forgot that I didn't check the script, and I filled what was on the label. Two minutes after she walked away, I realized I never checked the script, and this is where I realized I made a mistake. I promptly called the patient to tell her I made a mistake, I corrected the prescription, and refunded the patient her money (all $1.XX worth). I felt so bad I was on the verge of tears when I was refunding her money.
My second mistake came on a Saturday at my current store. This occured nearly a year ago. I got a prescription for Avinza 30mg for 60 capsules. I typed the prescription correctly. However, I filled the prescription with Avinza 60mg capsules. Avinza is an extended release Morphine, so this obviously could have been a pretty significant mistake. You never want to mess up a morphine script, and you especially don't want to give too much morphine to a patient. I didn't realize I made the mistake until hours later. At the time, our pharmacy manager got us in the habit of posting all our CII scripts in our perpetual inventory logbook at the end of the day instead of right after filling the script. Therefore, when I went to post the Avinza script, I realized that I filled it incorrectly.
I flipped out. I ran around the pharmacy tearing through the bins to see if it was still there. Unfortunately, the patient picked it up already. Then, I called him, but got no answer. I called one of the other pharmacists (who had 17 years of experience at our store). She told me that it wasn't a big deal because this particular patient had been on Avinza for quite some time. She told me to try him again in a little bit. I did and finally spoke to him. I found out he had already taken a dose, but he felt perfectly fine. Regardless, I told him to come back in, so that I could correct my mistake. Once again, I felt very very bad about the mistake (the customer wasn't mad at all though. He was quite nice about the whole thing).
Those are the only 2 significant errors that I've made that I know of, but I've had to explain other pharmacists' errors to customers, and that's never fun. The customer is mad, and understandably so, that a mistake was made, and they are directing their anger at you. However, you can't tell them it wasn't your fault. You don't want to go and pass the blame on someone else, so all you can do is apologize profusely, refund their money, and hope that this appeases them.
Anyway... I just wanted to write something. Things aren't looking too good with eHarmony girl. She hasn't called or emailed me in a few days. I'm pretty sure I blew it with her. It sucks because I really liked this girl. Looks like I'm back at square one... again.
Saturday, January 26, 2008
I need to grow a pair...
I got some pharmacy stuff and some love-life stuff to share this time....
Tonight was my 3rd date with eHarmony girl(From here on out, I'm going to refer to her as Jen because eHarmony Girl takes too long to write). It was another enjoyable evening. We did dinner and a movie again (we saw Untraceable... interesting premise, but the ending was kind of stupid). Afterwards, we went back to her condo, played with her dog, and just talked for 3 hours. Lots of talking. Interesting conversation. However, that's all it was. When it started to get late, I got going, and all I could muster up the courage to give her was a slightly longer than usual hug.
Man, I'm a wuus. 3 dates, and I haven't even made an attempt to kiss her yet. I was kind of looking for the opportunity tonight, but I never saw it. I figured a kiss goodbye might be my best chance, but even then, I wasn't sure if she wanted me to.
I can read people pretty well usually. I usually know what a person wants to hear, and I usually know the kind of reaction I'll get before I say something. However, I can't read when a girl wants that kiss. I know... I sound like a freaking 12 year old. How could a guy make it to 25, have a nearly 6-year relationship with a girl, and still freak out over a first kiss? It boggles my mind.
I think back to how that first kiss happened with my ex, and I realize that it was pretty much all her doing. We were sitting on her couch, and the next thing I know, she leaned up against me so that we were basically cuddling on the couch. Then, when I told her I had to leave, she said, "How about a kiss goodbye," and she kissed me. After that first kiss, the ice had been broken, and the next time I saw her, I had no hesitation to kiss her.
With Jen, I can't seem to get that icebreaker, and it's because I'm afraid of being rejected. I keep wondering if she considers me as just a friend, which I'm not really looking to be, even though she is a very nice girl who I probably could be really great friends with. I guess I'm just not that take-control guy. I need her to basically come out and say, "Kiss me dammnit!" I also wonder if she's actually thinking that. Maybe she's sitting at home now calling her friends saying, "What is this guy waiting for???"
I think she likes me. She keeps seeing me. That has to be a good sign. I can't imagine she's just looking for a friend. That's the one thing I don't understand about eHarmony and other dating websites. I know why I need to go on eHarmony to get a date. I'm shy, nervous, not all that smooth around women, and I tend to make a bad first impression in person. However, I have no idea why SHE needs to be on eHarmony. She's a pretty, successful, nice, and an all-around normal girl. She could get a ton of guys elsewhere. Why does she choose online dating?
I know a couple things that could provide clues. She said this was her first Christmas at her condo (which she bought 3 years ago) where she didn't have a guy around. To me, that sounds like she had been in a pretty serious relationship and was living with some guy for quite some time before they broke up. Secondly, she mentioned that 2007 wasn't a great year for her personal life, which I take to mean the breakup with her boyfriend happened in 2007 sometime.
Granted, I don't know for certain if this is the case, but I think there's a enough evidence to support the claim. If so, she might be in a similar social situation to me. We both had a big, recent breakup of a longterm relationship. She may be hesitant to get into a another relationship for the same reasons I am (maybe not quite over her ex, afraid of getting hurt again, a little untrusting of the opposite sex, etc.). If this was true, it would be understandable that she'd want to take things slowly. If it isn't true, my indecisiveness could be putting me square in the "friend zone."
I don't know how or when, but hopefully soon, I think I'm just going to point blank tell her that I like her a lot and see what happens. Taking action isn't one of my strenths. However, I'm very very good at talking things through and being honest. Therefore, I think I'm just going to stick to my strengths and just tell her how I feel, and see if she reciprocates those feelings. That way, she'll know for certain that I'm interested in her, and I'll find out if she's interested in me. That would probably be all the icebreaker I'd need to get things going.
And now for the pharmacy stuff...
In the past couple of weeks, I've made a bunch of little old lady friends because I'm such a "nice, young pharmacist." One lady, who I just know is going to end up being a major pain the ass, will only deal with me. In fact, I think I'm the only thing keeping her at our pharmacy. She tried a couple of other pharmacies, and "they were terrible," so she asked me if we were any good. I assured her that we do a good job, so she emptied out her bag containing about 10 different prescription bottles from a variety of pharmacies all over the front counter. She wanted all her prescriptions transfered to our pharmacy, and bless my heart, I took care of them all for her. Then, she proceeded to complain about her copay, and since then, every time I see her, she has something to complain about. It's weird though, because she does it in a friendly way. Here this lady is blatantly insulting one of the other pharmacists on staff as she tells me how rudely she was treated by her, but she's doing it with a friendly smile and a soothing tone of voice. Weird.
In any case, I was starting to think that it would be best if this woman would just take her business elsewhere, so we wouldn't have to put up with her complaining anymore. Then, out of the blue, she called me (and recognized my voice on the phone) and asked if I could help her identify some tablets. She gave me a pretty poor description over the phone, so I told her it would be best if she brought them in, so I could see them. She agreed and asked "When do you take your lunch break?"
I responded jokingly (sort of), "I'm a pharmacist. I don't get a lunch break."
Her answer to that almost made me laugh out loud. "Oh... Well maybe I should bring in a roast beef sandwich for you."
I couldn't help but chuckle, and I assured her it wouldn't be necessary. I have to admit though, I did appreciate the sentiment. It made me think that even the biggest pain in the ass customers can surprise you sometimes.
It's those random acts of kindness that make me act nice to everyone even if they don't particularly deserve it. You just never know when they're going to surprise you with a kind guesture.
Tonight was my 3rd date with eHarmony girl(From here on out, I'm going to refer to her as Jen because eHarmony Girl takes too long to write). It was another enjoyable evening. We did dinner and a movie again (we saw Untraceable... interesting premise, but the ending was kind of stupid). Afterwards, we went back to her condo, played with her dog, and just talked for 3 hours. Lots of talking. Interesting conversation. However, that's all it was. When it started to get late, I got going, and all I could muster up the courage to give her was a slightly longer than usual hug.
Man, I'm a wuus. 3 dates, and I haven't even made an attempt to kiss her yet. I was kind of looking for the opportunity tonight, but I never saw it. I figured a kiss goodbye might be my best chance, but even then, I wasn't sure if she wanted me to.
I can read people pretty well usually. I usually know what a person wants to hear, and I usually know the kind of reaction I'll get before I say something. However, I can't read when a girl wants that kiss. I know... I sound like a freaking 12 year old. How could a guy make it to 25, have a nearly 6-year relationship with a girl, and still freak out over a first kiss? It boggles my mind.
I think back to how that first kiss happened with my ex, and I realize that it was pretty much all her doing. We were sitting on her couch, and the next thing I know, she leaned up against me so that we were basically cuddling on the couch. Then, when I told her I had to leave, she said, "How about a kiss goodbye," and she kissed me. After that first kiss, the ice had been broken, and the next time I saw her, I had no hesitation to kiss her.
With Jen, I can't seem to get that icebreaker, and it's because I'm afraid of being rejected. I keep wondering if she considers me as just a friend, which I'm not really looking to be, even though she is a very nice girl who I probably could be really great friends with. I guess I'm just not that take-control guy. I need her to basically come out and say, "Kiss me dammnit!" I also wonder if she's actually thinking that. Maybe she's sitting at home now calling her friends saying, "What is this guy waiting for???"
I think she likes me. She keeps seeing me. That has to be a good sign. I can't imagine she's just looking for a friend. That's the one thing I don't understand about eHarmony and other dating websites. I know why I need to go on eHarmony to get a date. I'm shy, nervous, not all that smooth around women, and I tend to make a bad first impression in person. However, I have no idea why SHE needs to be on eHarmony. She's a pretty, successful, nice, and an all-around normal girl. She could get a ton of guys elsewhere. Why does she choose online dating?
I know a couple things that could provide clues. She said this was her first Christmas at her condo (which she bought 3 years ago) where she didn't have a guy around. To me, that sounds like she had been in a pretty serious relationship and was living with some guy for quite some time before they broke up. Secondly, she mentioned that 2007 wasn't a great year for her personal life, which I take to mean the breakup with her boyfriend happened in 2007 sometime.
Granted, I don't know for certain if this is the case, but I think there's a enough evidence to support the claim. If so, she might be in a similar social situation to me. We both had a big, recent breakup of a longterm relationship. She may be hesitant to get into a another relationship for the same reasons I am (maybe not quite over her ex, afraid of getting hurt again, a little untrusting of the opposite sex, etc.). If this was true, it would be understandable that she'd want to take things slowly. If it isn't true, my indecisiveness could be putting me square in the "friend zone."
I don't know how or when, but hopefully soon, I think I'm just going to point blank tell her that I like her a lot and see what happens. Taking action isn't one of my strenths. However, I'm very very good at talking things through and being honest. Therefore, I think I'm just going to stick to my strengths and just tell her how I feel, and see if she reciprocates those feelings. That way, she'll know for certain that I'm interested in her, and I'll find out if she's interested in me. That would probably be all the icebreaker I'd need to get things going.
And now for the pharmacy stuff...
In the past couple of weeks, I've made a bunch of little old lady friends because I'm such a "nice, young pharmacist." One lady, who I just know is going to end up being a major pain the ass, will only deal with me. In fact, I think I'm the only thing keeping her at our pharmacy. She tried a couple of other pharmacies, and "they were terrible," so she asked me if we were any good. I assured her that we do a good job, so she emptied out her bag containing about 10 different prescription bottles from a variety of pharmacies all over the front counter. She wanted all her prescriptions transfered to our pharmacy, and bless my heart, I took care of them all for her. Then, she proceeded to complain about her copay, and since then, every time I see her, she has something to complain about. It's weird though, because she does it in a friendly way. Here this lady is blatantly insulting one of the other pharmacists on staff as she tells me how rudely she was treated by her, but she's doing it with a friendly smile and a soothing tone of voice. Weird.
In any case, I was starting to think that it would be best if this woman would just take her business elsewhere, so we wouldn't have to put up with her complaining anymore. Then, out of the blue, she called me (and recognized my voice on the phone) and asked if I could help her identify some tablets. She gave me a pretty poor description over the phone, so I told her it would be best if she brought them in, so I could see them. She agreed and asked "When do you take your lunch break?"
I responded jokingly (sort of), "I'm a pharmacist. I don't get a lunch break."
Her answer to that almost made me laugh out loud. "Oh... Well maybe I should bring in a roast beef sandwich for you."
I couldn't help but chuckle, and I assured her it wouldn't be necessary. I have to admit though, I did appreciate the sentiment. It made me think that even the biggest pain in the ass customers can surprise you sometimes.
It's those random acts of kindness that make me act nice to everyone even if they don't particularly deserve it. You just never know when they're going to surprise you with a kind guesture.
Monday, January 21, 2008
I Love Mondays
Another Monday. Another shitty fucking day at work.
This day's problems seemed to originate from Friday of the week before. See, both I and the pharmacy manager had the day off on Friday, and neither of us worked the weekend. That left Friday's staff as a floater, Betty (AKA horrible pharmacist), and another pharmacist who I'm realizing more and more that while she isn't as annoying as Betty, she has many of the same lazy tendencies (I'll call this pharmacist Allison). None of the daily cleanup tasks got done (file prescriptions, load ScriptPro, take out garbage, etc.) There were a million little problems that didn't get resolved, even though they weren't all that difficult to figure out. Worst of all, nobody remembered to go into the computer to receive the order we got on Friday. When we get an order, we have to go into our automatic inventory system, and receive the order. That way, all the quantities on hand get updated. Without receiving the order, our inventory is off, and the next time you go to generate an order for the store, it will be all screwed up. I wasn't too pleased when I found out about this.
I knew getting up this morning that the pharmacy was going to be a disaster when I walked in, but I wasn't fully prepared for the mess that I saw. When I walked in at 11, there were prescription labels everywhere. Betty didn't even let me get my coat off before she handed me 3 "gifts" (i.e. problems that I must solve because she and whoever else saw them before me were too stupid to figure out). I spent the first 2.5 hours of my day on the phone with doctor's offices and insurance companies. As if that weren't bad enough, I had to listen to Betty's whiny, high pitched squeal of a voice recount how horrible it was to work on Friday. She wouldn't shut up. I wanted to take a whole roll of prescription tape and tape her mouth shut.
It still shocks me just how much she doesn't know how to do. The simplest freaking things are a complete mystery to her. She even has trouble putting in new insurance cards. I'm not even talking about the difficult ones. I'm talking about the ones you see 30 million times a day. I was on the phone with one of our most annoying customers for nearly 15 minutes, and during that time, a guy brought in a new insurance card to use on the prescription he had to pick up. It wasn't a complicated card. She should have known how to put it in. In fact, I have no idea how she could make it through weekends by herself without knowing. In any case, she made that guy wait 15 minutes for me to get off the phone, so that I could do it for her. It took me a grand total of 30 seconds.
All day long, all I heard was "Mike, you have to do this" and "Mike, what should we do with that?". I wanted to kill her. The worst part is knowing that I have to put up with her all day tomorrow too. At least our manager will finally be there to absorb some of her stupidity.
In addition, she always wants to talk shit about everyone. There's nothing I hate more than listening to my coworkers talk about people behind their backs. I refuse to participate in that bullshit. If I have a specific complaint, I'll let my manager know. Sometimes, I'll be frustrated when something isn't done when it should have been, and I'll make a comment under my breath about how lazy someone is. Otherwise, I don't complain at work simply for the sake of complaining. That's what this blog is for.
Today was such a bad day that when I closed the gate at 9:00, I suddenly realized that I hadn't taken a piss the entire day. Have you ever had that happen to you where you're so busy that you simply forget that your bladder is about to explode?
I've decided that I'm going to go in an hour early tomorrow so that I can finish some of the stuff I wasn't able to get done today (due to finishing the shit that wasn't done since Friday). Betty's closing the pharmacy tomorrow night, so when I have to open the store on Wednesday morning, I'll silently throw a fit over how she was too fucking lazy to put things away the night before.
Oh yeah... we're getting audited on Wednesday!!!
This day's problems seemed to originate from Friday of the week before. See, both I and the pharmacy manager had the day off on Friday, and neither of us worked the weekend. That left Friday's staff as a floater, Betty (AKA horrible pharmacist), and another pharmacist who I'm realizing more and more that while she isn't as annoying as Betty, she has many of the same lazy tendencies (I'll call this pharmacist Allison). None of the daily cleanup tasks got done (file prescriptions, load ScriptPro, take out garbage, etc.) There were a million little problems that didn't get resolved, even though they weren't all that difficult to figure out. Worst of all, nobody remembered to go into the computer to receive the order we got on Friday. When we get an order, we have to go into our automatic inventory system, and receive the order. That way, all the quantities on hand get updated. Without receiving the order, our inventory is off, and the next time you go to generate an order for the store, it will be all screwed up. I wasn't too pleased when I found out about this.
I knew getting up this morning that the pharmacy was going to be a disaster when I walked in, but I wasn't fully prepared for the mess that I saw. When I walked in at 11, there were prescription labels everywhere. Betty didn't even let me get my coat off before she handed me 3 "gifts" (i.e. problems that I must solve because she and whoever else saw them before me were too stupid to figure out). I spent the first 2.5 hours of my day on the phone with doctor's offices and insurance companies. As if that weren't bad enough, I had to listen to Betty's whiny, high pitched squeal of a voice recount how horrible it was to work on Friday. She wouldn't shut up. I wanted to take a whole roll of prescription tape and tape her mouth shut.
It still shocks me just how much she doesn't know how to do. The simplest freaking things are a complete mystery to her. She even has trouble putting in new insurance cards. I'm not even talking about the difficult ones. I'm talking about the ones you see 30 million times a day. I was on the phone with one of our most annoying customers for nearly 15 minutes, and during that time, a guy brought in a new insurance card to use on the prescription he had to pick up. It wasn't a complicated card. She should have known how to put it in. In fact, I have no idea how she could make it through weekends by herself without knowing. In any case, she made that guy wait 15 minutes for me to get off the phone, so that I could do it for her. It took me a grand total of 30 seconds.
All day long, all I heard was "Mike, you have to do this" and "Mike, what should we do with that?". I wanted to kill her. The worst part is knowing that I have to put up with her all day tomorrow too. At least our manager will finally be there to absorb some of her stupidity.
In addition, she always wants to talk shit about everyone. There's nothing I hate more than listening to my coworkers talk about people behind their backs. I refuse to participate in that bullshit. If I have a specific complaint, I'll let my manager know. Sometimes, I'll be frustrated when something isn't done when it should have been, and I'll make a comment under my breath about how lazy someone is. Otherwise, I don't complain at work simply for the sake of complaining. That's what this blog is for.
Today was such a bad day that when I closed the gate at 9:00, I suddenly realized that I hadn't taken a piss the entire day. Have you ever had that happen to you where you're so busy that you simply forget that your bladder is about to explode?
I've decided that I'm going to go in an hour early tomorrow so that I can finish some of the stuff I wasn't able to get done today (due to finishing the shit that wasn't done since Friday). Betty's closing the pharmacy tomorrow night, so when I have to open the store on Wednesday morning, I'll silently throw a fit over how she was too fucking lazy to put things away the night before.
Oh yeah... we're getting audited on Wednesday!!!
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